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The official end.

So FUCK. Academic Awards Ceremony tomorrow. The final time everyone (mostly) will all be together in that good old auditorium at school. I’m having mixed feelings about the whole ordeal.

On one hand, I’m kinda apprehensive about it. It’s the last time…the LAST time…we’re all going to be together. What the hell? Since when did growing up start happening so fast? I’m not ready to say goodbye. The fact that we’re all moving on with our lives hasn’t really hit me yet, and I don’t think it will until tomorrow. I mean, Kawau wasn’t really a goodbye – that was only IB kids and we had Grad Dinner coming up. But then Grad Dinner wasn’t a final goodbye either because we all knew we had the whole summer ahead of us to catch up with people, and of course this Academic ceremony tomorrow still to come. Yet that Academic ceremony is tomorrow. Already. And it really is the last chance to see everyone before we all go off changing and growing up and making new friends. I don’t want to cry (mascara becomes a problem then…hahaha), but if I do I think I’m allowed to. Kristin has been – and will continue to be, hopefully – my family 🙂

And in this sense, I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow incredibly. Although, yes, it will be the ‘final goodbye’, it certainly doesn’t mean we’re never going to see each other again. A good group of us are in Christchurch together for starters, and it should be easy enough to see Auckland people as well as to keep in contact with everyone else what with  facebook and skype making communication so easy. It’ll also be good to see my old teachers tomorrow, as well as Marisa and any other year 13s that I like enough to say hello to 🙂

So overall, tomorrow should be a blast. I’ve never been this excited for an assembly before so it’s kinda weird, but maybe it’s true what they say about high school being the best years of your life. We just fail to realise it sometimes when we’re actually going through it. Also, I get to have a little lunch with you tomorrow before you leave in the evening. This is neeeeeeeeeeded…weeks apart suck bollocks.

This is another bloody good Hoosiers song:

Oh, and feel free to read this you nosey people 🙂

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New theeeeeeeeme.

Good excuse for a poll me thinks 🙂 So, que pensez-vous? (Slightly awkward that I had to google translate that to check the spelling. Jesus Christ, I’ve only not spoken French for 2 and a bit months. But maybe that explains the 4…)

Nothing much else to report, except that I’m glad it rained today because it meant I could wrap your V day gift and things without sweating all over them. I’m glad we’ve opted for a budget day this year. We don’t have to spend an arm and a leg to show that we love one another. And with the 14th also being your first day at CPIT it means we don’t even get to spend time together this year. But I’m sure a Skype date will suffice just fine 😀

Annnnd because I haven’t spoken to you all day (grr) and it’s true that “You’re out there having fun, and I need you. I’m alone with this song, about being empty. And the fear of missing out, it’s hard to be alone.”, this is the soundtrack of my night alone:


I’m being reminded of how isolated I am so I’m gonna blog (but not about that).

Getting full-on indie now. Long and essentially meaningless blog post titles. And short sentences which, in ‘real English’ probably can’t be classified as actual ‘sentences’ because of them lacking some sort of subject or pronoun or verb or something… Anyway, I digress. Here is a list of things of interest dans ma vie at the moment:

– Well, this is my first blog post on my MacBook! I picked it up from Blake on the way back from Christchurch on Thursday. Got it into action on Friday and I think I’ve finally pretty much sorted myself out on it 🙂 Apart from a bit of a kerfuffle trying to transfer my iPod music to iTunes, and again trying to transfer my gmail contacts across to my Address Book, I am loving it. I feel like that guy in the “Hi, I’m a Mac” ads. Except I have no pity for PCs, I’m just better than them. Ha! Oh, and you know how my sister was supposed to be buying my old laptop from me? Well she’s not (Blake and I are gonna smash it up 😀 ), but her solution? Buy a Compaq laptop. I mean, WHAT? It’ll die soon. In the first day of owning it she already managed to ‘lose the mouse’ on the screen. I guess she’ll learn the hard way…

– I had a great day in Christchurch on Thursday. Got shown around my accommodation (College House) by the Dean, but only because we accidentally turned up an hour early for our appointment with some other guy. Hahaha, oh well – it looks really awesome (I was so awed by it that I forgot to take photos, sorry! But there’ll be plenty when I actually move down there I’m sure). It’s based on the Oxford and Cambridge set-up, so we have formal dinners four days a week (with gowns and everything!) and they have debating and cultural evenings and chapel and ALL sorts of fun things 😀 The only thing I have to do myself is laundry, and ironically it’s the only (OK, almost only…) thing I don’t do at home. So either Mum will show me what to do before I go down, or I’ll shrink and dye a few things in the process of teaching myself. Either way. We walked around the city too and it’s so quiet compared to Auckland. I like it 🙂 Here is a photo of the beautiful Christchurch cathedral:

– The flights have been booked to go to Christchurch on the 15th too. I find it incredibly terrifying that in exactly a month I will be longer be living at home… But in exactly a month I will also be a hell of a lot closer to you, and permanently 😀 And as soon as we settle into our study and job routines, we’ll organise Friday night pizza-nights or something cute 🙂 Plus you has a double bed in your room so it’ll be kinda like normal – me always coming to see you rather than the other way round, hehe 😛 But yesh, that is one BIG part that I am looking forward to immensely 😀

– And well, at the moment my life is a little bit on hold. Apart from having a scholarship I need to apply for, I have nothing planned until I go back to Auckland on the 29th (or around then). I’ve been to the beach for the past two days, so I guess I’ll continue that routine until the sun stops shining. And then I’ll just blog and tumblr and facebook my way through the days until I get to see you again. It was so good to see you the other day, even if it was so very briefly. I miss you more and more with each passing day (hence my excitement aforementioned in the previous point).

– Finally, well, CLIVE’S BACK!!! And you’re all getting to hang out and talk about the film tonight and I can’t bloody be there. I suppose this point actually does relate back to this post’s title. Living out here does suck. Whenever I’ve spoken to people over the past few weeks and they’ve asked where I am it’s been pretty much “Oh wow! It’s beautiful up there. But to live? Yeah, bit out of the way…” Which is exactly the point. I’m not about to complain about not having a summer because I sure as hell am weather-wise. I’m just not really getting a summer with friends. I’m not getting to hang out at Kristy’s beach house as was loosely planned, and I don’t get to chill with you and your guys either. But I guess soon enough I will. And soon enough I’ll be making new friends too. I just wish I could spend some proper decent time with the people who matter before I leave the majority of them in favour of Christchurch..

Finally, there’s this beauty:

And this stupid close-up, but it’s cute 😀


How is this real?

‘this’ refers to everything. Life right now. It’s bizarre, surreal, unbelievable, I can’t understand it. Everything is happening so fast and I feel like I’m constantly playing a game of chase – trying to catch up with reality from dithering in my thoughts and the places I’d rather be.

There’s so much I want to say in this post but I can’t. I always find it so hard to express things which are really close to my heart. I know I try, and sometimes maybe I succeed, but I don’t feel like being overly expressive about everything at the moment, so consequently this post will probably be ambiguous as fuck and be pointless to those reading it. But it doesn’t matter, I need to sort out my head.

– P2 today. Reality hit me hard, as I think it did for others too. We’re only human – why should we feel compelled to put on this façade of ‘doing OK’ and ‘coping’? I hate how we feel like sometimes we have to apologise for letting our feelings show. So often is it that it feels like the only thing you want to do is curl up into a ball and cry your goddam eyes out. So do it. You’re understood by more people than you may think.

– This may sound selfish, but all this is making me think of you and me and us. I couldn’t imagine life without you and I don’t want to, but stupid summer fucking plans from my fucking family are making things sound difficult. And I don’t know how I’d survive an Auckland/ChCh relationship. I hate thinking about that possibility, but I can’t ignore that it exists.

– These past few weeks have been full of ‘last’ things, but this week in particular. Last week of school ever. I can’t quite comprehend it all – no more 5-day-week routine, no more rules, less guidance, and inevitably the loss of the company of day-to-day people which we so easily take for granted. It’s the end of so much and, although I’ve only been here for 2 years, it feels like a lifetime – in the good sense that it is here that I’ve met the best people in my life and made the best memories. And it is here that I will never forget (with the help of our amazing Leavers’ Book of course. We honestly are the absolute best year-group in school 🙂 )

That’s kinda all. It seems like so much less when it’s written down, but I guess that shows how heavy things sometimes seem when you just carry them around in your head and don’t let them out.

And this is my current, beautiful music obsession:

I’m so glad you’re here.


3,002!

I feel it is appropriate, and monumental, for me to announce that I have topped 3,000 views on this blog since March this year. In 7 months, that averages to…428 views per month (which actually isn’t that impressive, but seeing as I don’t force feed this blog to anyone except Blakie, it’s not bad 😀 )

I should probably think of something unique and cool to post to mark this occasion, but as I can’t think of anything as yet, I will post my prelim results so far:

Maths: 32% – Yes, this needs improving, but I have help timetabled into these next 2 weeks in the form of helpful mathematical friends.
Lit: 82% –  Despite being initially a little bit disappointed with this, I have decided I am happy. Although it does depend on the texts on the day of the final…
Psych: 66% – Technically 65.56%, but as 66% was the boundary for a 7, I’m sticking with that.
Music: 84% – I’m glad I can rely on music to save my grades.
French: 62% – But this is only paper 1, because French professeurs are too slack to get papers marked in two days. Haha, yeah, kidding.

So yes, overall I’m thinking this isn’t too bad, especially accounting for the lack of study I actually did thanks to my fantastic procrastination skills. Today was aussi bon because:

  • Leaver’s jerseys

  • Unexpected present from my little friend Steph 😀 She hand-sewed a quilt which is absolutely amazing, and I got a letter and photos. This all made me smile a lot, but not as much as this quote which was sewn under one corner of the quilt – “Life without music would B♭.” I do love this 🙂
  • Lunchtime fun with you and your boys
  • Cuddles from you
  • Talky talk with Boyd (next year – 😀 !!!)
  • Mum finding me mathematical help in the form of friends of friends
  • Having 7 days left of school EVER 😀

I think this song is appropriate in regard to the whole ‘school’ thing:

I love you (:


This song…

just shuffled into play on my iPod, and the whole reason for it being there came flooding back to me.

Some time last year, before we were together properly – sometime during that period of us each telling each other our secrets and our dreams but being too scared to tell each other that the only person who could make those dreams come true was the person we were gushing them all out to… – sometime then, late at night during one of our usual nocturnal internet conversations, I was sad and down. I didn’t tell you, but you could sense it (yes, even through the complex maze of cyberspace). But instead of interrupting my silence, or pestering me, you sent me a link to this song. This exact link in fact. I opened the link and sat here on my bed listening to the song, but more importantly the words that were being said. It made me cry even more, but for quite the opposite reason. It made me cry tears of complete happiness and relief, but more than anything, tears of complete, over-whelming love, because I suddenly felt like it had all clicked into place. You understood me more than anyone had ever bothered to before, and it all felt so perfect – we felt perfect. I told you this that night and well, everyone knows where it goes from there 🙂

So there you go. Despite the fact that I used to despise this song (for the pure reason that Radio 2 used to play about 17 times a day), at that particular moment in time, it meant the world to me. It not only made me put life and my little worries into perspective, but it made me realise you, and that we weren’t a one-sided love affair – we both needed each other. And also, while we’re at it, I do acknowledge that I actually omitted this song from the mix-tape I made you. To be honest, I completely forgot about it. But that is why (here comes the moral of the story…), you have to have an iTunes playlist where you keep songs from occasions like this, and you don’t delete them. Ever. Music is the best way to rekindle memories.


I know I said 5 weeks, but…

We watched Juno last night. And I realised it is actually one of my most favourite movies ever, because

a) Ellen is so fucking cool and indie and cute.

b) Michael Cera. ’nuff said 😀

c) Very cool music. Very cool. Intro and ending:

and d) It kinda reminds me of us. ’cause we are cute and different and in love. And it’s the movie we half-watched the first time I ever came over to your house, 1 year and 7 days ago today 🙂

I loves you cutie (:


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