As you can see, I’ve been blogging every day for the past week or so. I have been studying. Well…going to tutorials. But not much goes in. I tend to passively sit there staring in horror/awe/wonder/shock at the board whilst the teacher whizzes over the excessive amounts of information and quotes and formulae and explanations I’m supposed to know for these exams. I can’t help but think why. I’d enjoy learning if I could learn about things I wanted to. I don’t want to do maths. I don’t need to, in the long-run. And studying at home fails because a) I get distracted by my thoughts which results in blogging, and b) I just don’t want to do it. I somewhat admire those people who write themselves study timetables and allocate themselves hours to study and half hour breaks and actually stick to it. I can’t discipline myself like that. I have to do what I want otherwise I’m not happy. And what’s the point of doing anything if it doesn’t make you happy?
OK, I realise that all makes me sound like I don’t care if I fail school. I do though, of course. I’d just much rather fast-forward through the whole studying period and feeling guilty about not studying and get to graduation and then summer. They’re evil people who decided to taunt students with summer freedom whilst they still have that slightly important and monumental wall called EXAMS sitting between them and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, on a different note (ha, pun….which isn’t funny yet because I haven’t said what I’m going to say…) I liked your little love note you left me. Folded up bit of paper waiting for me tucked beneath my windscreen wiper 🙂 Cute little message 😀 It doesn’t matter that it got a bit soggy in the rain, it made today bearable. I love you baby.
And maybe, perhaps, possibly…I’ve found a new favourite singer. Well, me likey this anyway. And she is cute! I want her hair.
Getting there with this Extended Essay (finally…final bloody draft’s only due on Monday…) but I was thinking. Why is it so much easier to convince yourself not to do something than it is to do something?
Like, take this flippin’ essay. As I’m doing right now and have been since December last year, I’ve convinced myself that I can put off doing it and have fooled myself with reasons why: ‘Oh come on, you’ve started it…you’ve earned a break.’ or ‘You’ve only got about 5 whole bloody pages to go…do the rest after dinner.’ It’s stupid really because now I’m stuck here rushing to finish it to a totally shoddy quality. And I know it’s dumb, so why?
It’s the same with other things in life. These holidays I’ve told myself so many lies.
• ‘It’s OK that you haven’t even started your WL2 essay…you’ve been doing your EE.’ – yeah, hardly.
• ‘I have a full bank account after transferring my UK money over to NZD so it’s alright to spend $200 this week.’ – but it’s not really, is it.
• ‘Because I get home at midday from a friend’s house, I’m allowed to have a pyjama day.’ – in reality, it’s just laziness.
And I think that’s ultimately what it comes down to – laziness. It’s like the Doctor Who episode last week, ‘The Lodger’. Craig’s a lazy bugger with no aspirations who only decides to move off of his arse when Sophie tells him she wants to work overseas. Really, it’s like we convince ourselves that if we stay put, things will be alright. I guess it’s true to a certain extent – the less risks you take the less risk there is of bad things happening. But there’s some things you just have to do. I think I need to realise that.
Sooo, resolution for this term until THE END OF SCHOOL!!!!! – get shit done. I’m sure I’ve told myself this before, but I might try and stick to it this time. I’m not going to do myself a timetable because I never stick to them. But I will restrict myself to one blog post a week maximum, I’m already busy Monday after school, so I’ll allow myself one other night to ‘be busy’ plus Friday night. And every other night I can do work. Sounds like a plan 🙂
This is how I feel now, after nearly 3 hours hard-out essay writing. Just this once, I actually am going to leave the rest til after dinner.
So one year older. And the difference? Nothing. Nothing apart from more strangers looking at my driver’s license, judging, contemplating, reluctantly giving in and letting me buy my shit. It is so strange though, how it happens in a day. Three days ago I was pretty much a year older. Except for those 3 days. If those three days mysteriously evaporated into an infinite expanse of history, then those three days would not have existed. But legally, fair enough. But mentally? What’s the difference? Three days make a difference? I grew up in those three days? No, I don’t think I did. If anything, I grew younger. I lost my maturity because of the excitement of knowing that without having to do anything, in three days I was going to be universally acknowledged as ‘mature enough’. So I made no effort. I still argued, insulted, hated, loved and missed. But I also still had you. You to anchor me. Make me real. Because without you, there would be a difference. Us, we. We don’t need meaningless gifts or insignificant conversation. We don’t need to be judged or told what’s the right thing to do. We just need us. Us and our precious time spent together, wasted together. Immaturely, drunk and lost together. We make time ours. Because it doesn’t matter. All I need is you. You’re what matters.
You are the difference.
Two years have gone now
Can’t relate to the never-ending
Games that you play
As desire passes through
And you’re open to the truth
I hope you understand
And your love
Is standing next to me
Is standing next to me.’
“As I grew older I became a drunk. Why? Because I like ecstasy of the mind.”
– Jack Kerouac
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
– Frank Sinatra