Week 1 of 9 pretty much completed. That actually went by scarily quickly. And my head, all week, has been soooo fuzzzzzyyyyyyyy. I think it’s over-tiredness, plus head-cold, plus attempting to concentrate in class, plus stressing over doing essays in one night…BUT SERIOUSLY. The whole sort of emotion side of being freakin’ human is such an effort because I’m all drained and bleh. The extreme of my sentimentality is laughing hysterically at non-funny jokes or yawning every time I attempt to speak.
For want of a video to try and explain my brain right now, this kinda does it:
And just as a side note, HOW FUCKING STUPID IS IT THAT EE AND MATHS PORTFOLIO ARE DUE ON THE SAME DAY?! Fucking genius who planned that.
Getting there with this Extended Essay (finally…final bloody draft’s only due on Monday…) but I was thinking. Why is it so much easier to convince yourself not to do something than it is to do something?
Like, take this flippin’ essay. As I’m doing right now and have been since December last year, I’ve convinced myself that I can put off doing it and have fooled myself with reasons why: ‘Oh come on, you’ve started it…you’ve earned a break.’ or ‘You’ve only got about 5 whole bloody pages to go…do the rest after dinner.’ It’s stupid really because now I’m stuck here rushing to finish it to a totally shoddy quality. And I know it’s dumb, so why?
It’s the same with other things in life. These holidays I’ve told myself so many lies.
• ‘It’s OK that you haven’t even started your WL2 essay…you’ve been doing your EE.’ – yeah, hardly.
• ‘I have a full bank account after transferring my UK money over to NZD so it’s alright to spend $200 this week.’ – but it’s not really, is it.
• ‘Because I get home at midday from a friend’s house, I’m allowed to have a pyjama day.’ – in reality, it’s just laziness.
And I think that’s ultimately what it comes down to – laziness. It’s like the Doctor Who episode last week, ‘The Lodger’. Craig’s a lazy bugger with no aspirations who only decides to move off of his arse when Sophie tells him she wants to work overseas. Really, it’s like we convince ourselves that if we stay put, things will be alright. I guess it’s true to a certain extent – the less risks you take the less risk there is of bad things happening. But there’s some things you just have to do. I think I need to realise that.
Sooo, resolution for this term until THE END OF SCHOOL!!!!! – get shit done. I’m sure I’ve told myself this before, but I might try and stick to it this time. I’m not going to do myself a timetable because I never stick to them. But I will restrict myself to one blog post a week maximum, I’m already busy Monday after school, so I’ll allow myself one other night to ‘be busy’ plus Friday night. And every other night I can do work. Sounds like a plan 🙂
This is how I feel now, after nearly 3 hours hard-out essay writing. Just this once, I actually am going to leave the rest til after dinner.
a) I’m doing this rather than the shitload of ‘real’ work I have to do
b) I excessively tired, should be sleeping.
c) I’m just generally failing.
What I want:
– You. Forever. Which I’ve got.
– You too, best friend. Two years without one is a crime.
– To not have to work for my money
– To have motivation/reason to bother trying
– Holidays everyday. It’s healthy to be happy. I’m happy without school. So simple, cut it.
– Real freedom.
What is annoying me massively at the moment:
– Teachers. Thinking IB = THE GREATER GOOD. No. It’s evil. It’s a killer.
– Work. School work. Every night? Fuck off. The best work is produced when you have your own time frame in which to do it. Don’t make me do it in one night. Or I won’t.
– “Talk to me about why you’re not working as hard as you used to.” No. You talk to me about why the fuck you’re being such a dickhead with your ‘new education ideas’. Ehh, fuck you. Do you remember what a life is?
Let them be happy. Don’t break their dreams. Because that would break their hearts.
Love conquers all.