Tag Archives: thoughts

Happy bloggy birthday!

Well, belated birthday. Yesterday my bloggy woggy foggy moggy doggy…hell, my BLOG!..turned 1 😀

*cue humorous youtube clip with the theme of ‘birthday’*

I don’t know how to celebrate the birthday of a blog. I mean, it’s not a person. I couldn’t have gone out and celebrated on the town because it was my blog’s birthday (although honestly, any excuse would have done…) I can’t make it a cake because my MacBook can’t eat it (although honestly, I could do with some myself…) I could do a re-cap and assessment of my first year as a blogger, but to be quite honest again…that’s just boring. I’ve seen youtube videos of people after their first year of vlogging where they thank all their subscribers and talk about how much they’ve matured and grown as a person due to their vlogging experiences, but a) I have very few subscribers (that I know of) because most people keep up-to-date via my facebook posts, and b) that sort of thing is overrated. It’s gone from being a personal, heart-felt ‘thank-you’ to an oh-dammit-I-guess-I-should-acknowledge-the-people-that-suffer-my-irregular-video-uploads-because-I’ve-been-here-for-a-year kinda thing.

Maybe just a little bit about this blog and why I’ve kept this thing up-and-running? OK, that’ll have to do 🙂

Looking back at my first post, it’s clear that my blog was born from the brain of a procrastinating teenager, desperate to find an excuse other than facebook to utilise as a time-killing tool. And who am I kidding, it still is exactly that. I guess when I first started writing posts I never really believed I’d actually keep up the blogging. I should have had far more important things to occupy my days with – such as EE, ToK essays, lit essays, CAS hours (wow, remember those?) – but by some miracle, all those dreaded assignments and presentations got done, I got decent grades, and through it all I never really had to compromise my blogging. Sure, there were days on end when reality knocked on the door and I had to catch-up on things (especially maths portfolio weeks, those were murder!), but I think what really fueled me on to maintain my blog posts was the need for an outlet of some kind.

After a crappy day at school, or an argument with my mum or something similar, I find that to prevent myself from going completely ape-shit at someone, I have to sort my thoughts out in my head first. The best way I came up with to do that was to write them down, and where better place to do that than on my blog. In this sense, my blog has become very much like my personal diary. Of course I daren’t reveal everything online here because there really is no telling who will read it, but as some people I learnt were surprised to read, I do keep it pretty personal (hence why every single post is categorised under such label).

And I don’t do this for anyone else really; I do it for me. I like the idea of being able to look back over years of posts – even now – and being able to remember certain days and events as they happened, rather than having to rely on a foggy memory or someone else’s biased viewpoint. I suppose this is a way of combatting my greatest fears too – that of forgetting, but also that of being forgotten. I hadn’t actually thought of this point until the second I typed those words a sentence ago, but thinking about it…it does make sense. By publishing my thoughts and opinions online, it is almost as though I’m creating some sort of legacy. Of course, I’m not planning on going anywhere any time soon (*touch wood*…dammit I hate talking about things like this so matter-of-factly), but should anything unexpected – or not so (i.e. when I’m 102) – happen, this will always exist. Well, at least until WordPress gets taken over by facebook…but let’s not go there..!

The point I’m making is that this blog is something tangible. It’s not words that have been said from person to person that can be changed and mis-interpreted by different generations of people; it’s words that have been written down and are in black and white for anyone to read. That’s what I like about writing – it’s solid evidence. It’s either there or it’s not. And hell, my blog is there alright. It’s here, and hopefully it’ll stay here for years or more to come 🙂

Cocoa my cat came at climbed on top of me and my MacBook half-way through writing this. As he obviously wanted to be a part of it, so it’s only right he should get a bit of recognition here 🙂

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Decisions.

1. I’ve kinda decided this one already over the course of the day and through getting advice from a tumblr friend and the opinions of a few important people – I’mma gauge my ear. Nothing too excessive, just something cool enough to ensure my indie-ness. The response I gave earlier when asked whether I even was ‘Indie’ – “Just look at my boyfriend.” That’s a compliment Blake, big time. 😀 But yeah, still deciding on how I’m gonna do it and whether to do both ears or one, but something’s gonna get done, that much is for sure 🙂

2. iTunes/music. I can’t decide whether to a) buy a $20 iTunes card and buy the few songs that I’m desperate for, b) add my Visa card to my iTunes account and just buy them that way, or c) just buy the albums physically. I really wanna do c) because I like having the whole album to listen to, but the problem is JB don’t sell my little Canadian band’s album that I want so bad. Which is where a) and b) have their pros. Except with b) I’m scared I’ll keep spending and not stop, and therefore find myself money-less (even if music-full) very soon. Power of deduction says a) or c). Thoughts?

3. I picked up and played my violin for the first time in 6 weeks today *hangs head in shame* But my repertoire is kind of exhausted, especially as I had to return a heap of music back to my teacher before I moved house. So I need to find a music shop and purchase some music to play. Preferably something that will sound good and be enjoyable and isn’t necessarily too hard to play. And not classical. Got bored of that after grade 5… Again, thoughts?

C’est tout pour aujourd’hui. Oh, and PS. when I say “thoughts”, I do appreciate verbal/written comments or advice. Thank youuuuuuu 🙂


How is this real?

‘this’ refers to everything. Life right now. It’s bizarre, surreal, unbelievable, I can’t understand it. Everything is happening so fast and I feel like I’m constantly playing a game of chase – trying to catch up with reality from dithering in my thoughts and the places I’d rather be.

There’s so much I want to say in this post but I can’t. I always find it so hard to express things which are really close to my heart. I know I try, and sometimes maybe I succeed, but I don’t feel like being overly expressive about everything at the moment, so consequently this post will probably be ambiguous as fuck and be pointless to those reading it. But it doesn’t matter, I need to sort out my head.

– P2 today. Reality hit me hard, as I think it did for others too. We’re only human – why should we feel compelled to put on this façade of ‘doing OK’ and ‘coping’? I hate how we feel like sometimes we have to apologise for letting our feelings show. So often is it that it feels like the only thing you want to do is curl up into a ball and cry your goddam eyes out. So do it. You’re understood by more people than you may think.

– This may sound selfish, but all this is making me think of you and me and us. I couldn’t imagine life without you and I don’t want to, but stupid summer fucking plans from my fucking family are making things sound difficult. And I don’t know how I’d survive an Auckland/ChCh relationship. I hate thinking about that possibility, but I can’t ignore that it exists.

– These past few weeks have been full of ‘last’ things, but this week in particular. Last week of school ever. I can’t quite comprehend it all – no more 5-day-week routine, no more rules, less guidance, and inevitably the loss of the company of day-to-day people which we so easily take for granted. It’s the end of so much and, although I’ve only been here for 2 years, it feels like a lifetime – in the good sense that it is here that I’ve met the best people in my life and made the best memories. And it is here that I will never forget (with the help of our amazing Leavers’ Book of course. We honestly are the absolute best year-group in school 🙂 )

That’s kinda all. It seems like so much less when it’s written down, but I guess that shows how heavy things sometimes seem when you just carry them around in your head and don’t let them out.

And this is my current, beautiful music obsession:

I’m so glad you’re here.


Mirror.

She lies back on her bed. Comfortable ‘weekend’ clothes – over-sized hoody, pyjamas and slippers. ‘Favourites’ play-list, Midnight Youth’s ‘Golden Love’ playing. Head on pillow, suddenly that all too familiar hot head-achy feeling. She doesn’t know why it happens, it’s as though a timer in her brain has flicked the ‘Tears Flow’ switch to ‘ON’. They stream down either side of her face, gravity causing them to trickle back into her hair and behind her ears. It almost tickles but she can’t laugh. She tries to laugh to stop the tears but it just makes the current stronger. She thinks about everything: her favourite person, her favourite people, her home, her future, other couples. She misses her home yet she’d hate to leave this place.

This thought jolts her upright, back to reality. She turns the music louder to deafen her thoughts. It just makes her thoughts louder, they compete with the music. Head in her hands, she sits on a chair for a moment. Her eyes feel as though they haven’t cried in months. She tries to think when it was she last cried and concludes it was too long ago. Life has taken over her right to think. This is the consequence.

She stands up and walks over to the mirror. A translucent film of dust covers the glass. A teary-eyed face looks blankly back at her. It doesn’t stare, it looks. It observes the now re-liquefied mascara that traces its way jaggedly down either cheek. It sees her nose, an ugly red entity at the centre of her pale, tear-blotched complexion. It takes in the tousled hair framing her face, attempting to lessen the harshness of the alien features. But she sees none of this. All she sees is her eyes. Her eyes that love someone so much that imagining life without them breaks her heart. Her eyes that miss people, want people. They aspire to things, her future. And that’s what makes the face stop looking and begin staring. Her future. There’s only one thing that she knows she wants in her future. She wishes she could make that thing certain, wishes she could eliminate any possibility of losing that thing. But she knows she can’t. Life always invents surprises, especially when they’re most unwelcome. So, as her eyes stare at those in the glass, she makes a decision. She will follow this thing wherever it goes. She will promise never to leave it. Dehumanising him as a ‘thing’ makes it seems more rational, less ‘silly’ as her mother would say. But ultimately, that thing is him. He is her future.

(I have already blogged the song, but it’s too beautiful to not re-blog) :


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