Tag Archives: reality

How is this real?

‘this’ refers to everything. Life right now. It’s bizarre, surreal, unbelievable, I can’t understand it. Everything is happening so fast and I feel like I’m constantly playing a game of chase – trying to catch up with reality from dithering in my thoughts and the places I’d rather be.

There’s so much I want to say in this post but I can’t. I always find it so hard to express things which are really close to my heart. I know I try, and sometimes maybe I succeed, but I don’t feel like being overly expressive about everything at the moment, so consequently this post will probably be ambiguous as fuck and be pointless to those reading it. But it doesn’t matter, I need to sort out my head.

– P2 today. Reality hit me hard, as I think it did for others too. We’re only human – why should we feel compelled to put on this façade of ‘doing OK’ and ‘coping’? I hate how we feel like sometimes we have to apologise for letting our feelings show. So often is it that it feels like the only thing you want to do is curl up into a ball and cry your goddam eyes out. So do it. You’re understood by more people than you may think.

– This may sound selfish, but all this is making me think of you and me and us. I couldn’t imagine life without you and I don’t want to, but stupid summer fucking plans from my fucking family are making things sound difficult. And I don’t know how I’d survive an Auckland/ChCh relationship. I hate thinking about that possibility, but I can’t ignore that it exists.

– These past few weeks have been full of ‘last’ things, but this week in particular. Last week of school ever. I can’t quite comprehend it all – no more 5-day-week routine, no more rules, less guidance, and inevitably the loss of the company of day-to-day people which we so easily take for granted. It’s the end of so much and, although I’ve only been here for 2 years, it feels like a lifetime – in the good sense that it is here that I’ve met the best people in my life and made the best memories. And it is here that I will never forget (with the help of our amazing Leavers’ Book of course. We honestly are the absolute best year-group in school 🙂 )

That’s kinda all. It seems like so much less when it’s written down, but I guess that shows how heavy things sometimes seem when you just carry them around in your head and don’t let them out.

And this is my current, beautiful music obsession:

I’m so glad you’re here.



Tomorrow night has been the aim of my 2 weeks ‘break’. But now it’s here and I’ve sorted everything out for it and it’s happening, what next? In the space of about 20 hours, my life motivation will have expired and reality will hit. Hard. Saturday morning, I’ll wake up, you being sensible you will remind me that we both have study to do, I’ll go home and sit here staring at a blank wall; knowing I should be full of happiness after our night together, but feeling guilty and awful because I feel so depressed. It’s now that I realise, life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s too real. There are too many seemingly important things to worry about and concentrate on and we don’t get a chance to enjoy the things that matter; the things that we do because they make us happy. We forget that that’s why they’re there and we let them become part of our mundane existence.

This is why dreams are better. For these past two weeks I’ve been having the most obscure dreams/night thoughts. I think it’s something to do with spending too much time with myself. I’m not good for me. I have to have you there to keep me in check, to remind me of our dream life that’s so much better and more worthwhile than reality. It’s the reason I live, for you and our life. Reality is crap. Absolute crap. Family, a place to call home, money, qualifications, a job, choosing the right friends, making the right choices in order to make the right future. And all for what? To get to a better place? No. No such thing exists on earth. The only better place to be is our dreams.


She lies back on her bed. Comfortable ‘weekend’ clothes – over-sized hoody, pyjamas and slippers. ‘Favourites’ play-list, Midnight Youth’s ‘Golden Love’ playing. Head on pillow, suddenly that all too familiar hot head-achy feeling. She doesn’t know why it happens, it’s as though a timer in her brain has flicked the ‘Tears Flow’ switch to ‘ON’. They stream down either side of her face, gravity causing them to trickle back into her hair and behind her ears. It almost tickles but she can’t laugh. She tries to laugh to stop the tears but it just makes the current stronger. She thinks about everything: her favourite person, her favourite people, her home, her future, other couples. She misses her home yet she’d hate to leave this place.

This thought jolts her upright, back to reality. She turns the music louder to deafen her thoughts. It just makes her thoughts louder, they compete with the music. Head in her hands, she sits on a chair for a moment. Her eyes feel as though they haven’t cried in months. She tries to think when it was she last cried and concludes it was too long ago. Life has taken over her right to think. This is the consequence.

She stands up and walks over to the mirror. A translucent film of dust covers the glass. A teary-eyed face looks blankly back at her. It doesn’t stare, it looks. It observes the now re-liquefied mascara that traces its way jaggedly down either cheek. It sees her nose, an ugly red entity at the centre of her pale, tear-blotched complexion. It takes in the tousled hair framing her face, attempting to lessen the harshness of the alien features. But she sees none of this. All she sees is her eyes. Her eyes that love someone so much that imagining life without them breaks her heart. Her eyes that miss people, want people. They aspire to things, her future. And that’s what makes the face stop looking and begin staring. Her future. There’s only one thing that she knows she wants in her future. She wishes she could make that thing certain, wishes she could eliminate any possibility of losing that thing. But she knows she can’t. Life always invents surprises, especially when they’re most unwelcome. So, as her eyes stare at those in the glass, she makes a decision. She will follow this thing wherever it goes. She will promise never to leave it. Dehumanising him as a ‘thing’ makes it seems more rational, less ‘silly’ as her mother would say. But ultimately, that thing is him. He is her future.

(I have already blogged the song, but it’s too beautiful to not re-blog) :

I want –

to buy some nice socks. Winter ones: long ones, woolly ones, fluffy ones, toe ones, fun ones.

to look pretty without having to try.

to grow up (in the sense of getting older) but to stay young (in the sense that I won’t forget the important things).

to be able to relax and be summery.

to finish school.

to have Christmas. In the Northern hemisphere, Christmas = cold, which = now. Silly country.

to get a proper nice camera.

to choose a house to live in later, with you.

for this house to have big window seats in each room, and a beautiful garden, and an open fire.

to be less of a procrastinator and make better use of my time.

to escape reality.

to find a good book to read.

to have a bath by candlelight.

to have time to get better at playing my violin.

to buy a flight home and back, just to spend a day with you.

to have a job being a waitress in a cute little cafe.

to be able to sleep with you every night.

to live in a busy city with you, at some point in my life.

to have a duvet day.

to fix my car so I’m not worried it’s going to collapse every time I drive it.

to write my own music, and for it to sound amazing.

to be able to afford to treat you to something you truly deserve.

to be more pro-active.

to bake little cakes that taste and yummy as they look.

to learn to understand people better.

to have a big bed with a squishy mattress and loads of soft pillows.

to make a wall-sized memory/photo collage.

to aim for something.

to go op-shopping, and find cute scarves and jackets and dresses and tights to wear.

to get some cute ankle boots.

to get a Yorkshire Terrier puppy – they’re ADORABLE 😀

Speaks the truth.

When I’m not sure of
My priorities
When I’ve lost sight of
Where I’m meant to be
Like holy water
Washing over me
You make it real for me.

Because, well…it’s June already. We only have 6 months left. Your reality keeps my dreams true.

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