Tag Archives: love

Good, bad, happy, sad.

Good/happy things about today:

  • I got out of bed before 12pm
  • I was home alone all day. This is good because it reduces arguments.
  • I got three phone calls – the first about College House, the second from Anna about flights, and the third from “Anton from Westpac, Westgate”.
  • I spoke to our neighbour and found out how it is that our cat is so fat despite not eating anything at home. Yup, you guessed it – he dines out every night at his friend’s across the road.
  • I got an email reply from my grandpa, in which he said “So you are quickly learning to hold your drink!! That said; just remember it is the sensible young ladies who will benefit from such a lesson and will prosper throughout life! Sorry, I am beginning to lecture you and no doubt you will remember your Mother looking daggers at me for giving you beer to sample whilst down in Wales!!” This really made me smile for a bit.
  • I watched Friends.
  • My cat came back to sleep on my bed after I had put her outside for the night.
  • I made a necklace.

However, bad/sad:

  • My internet is deathly slow. It irritates me. I want to watch HIMYM and I caaaaan’t 😦
  • I feel really unprepared about returning to CH again. I also feel like somehow everyone else has bonded over these three weeks and I haven’t. I hope it’s not the case; that would suck.
  • My textbooks didn’t arrive. This means they’ll have to be sent down to me. I hope I get them in time.
  • Town tomorrow night has been cancelled. I could go with Auckland CH people but that’s hardly fair on Blake. So we’ll probably have a really cute night in. It just annoys me when plans fail.
  • I realised that next Friday will be my first birthday away from home. It’s strange how things are changing.
  • It was my last day at home again, for the second time in less than a month, only this time I really don’t when I’ll be back. I guess it turned out I didn’t know last time either though.
  • Saying goodbye to Dad was hard…again. Life is so cruel with these goodbyes.
  • I missed you, and I still miss you. Why don’t you txt me? I always have to do it first. Grr. Although that’s not really fair of me to say, sorry. I just miss you, and I’m annoyed at us only getting four days together when I’ve been killing time for three weeks. Friday night better be gooooooood.

Final night in my own bed…again. This song makes me sleepy in the most perfect way possible:

“He is the one who plays the piano
He is the one who wants to love
She is the one who touched his heart
He made too much of this, of course

I guess that’s all
They feel so small
He is the one who wants the crowd to disappear
He is the one who draws them near
He is asleep, deep and cynical
She stays awake to sing sonata.”

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Boredom = pointless blog post.

But I make no apologies. I’m bored and blogging somewhat relieves that boredom. Shurrup.

So, it’s only now that I’m finding myself in my bedroom without my desk that I’m realising how essential a desk is in a bedroom.

My room up North is too small for one. But I need my desk. Ironically, when I was at school – particularly that last year of school – I used to hate the thought of having to sit down at my desk and ‘do work’. I used to think of work as a chore (hell, I still will at uni no doubt), hence why I used to do a lot of my homework sitting cross-legged on my bed, like how I am sitting now.

But I think that’s the problem – we associate different things with different places. I used to think desk = schoolwork, therefore I preferred to steer clear of my desk. However, now it has become bed = the place where I sit all day chatting online/tumblring/blogging/youtubing, and because of this I am craving some other creative space. Somewhere to make things with glue and patterned paper and glitter, somewhere to write, somewhere to organise myself…

In this respect, I really want to get back down to my room at CH and sort out my books and things on that huuuuuuuge desk of mine. Of course there are many other reasons that I want to return too – the people, the parties, the foooood, the getting-away-from-here part of it all… 🙂 Yeah, I’ve fully convinced myself. Adelaide was never an option for me, and I don’t really see the point in doing a half-year transfer to Auckland. In my opinion, it’s probably best to get back down to Chch asap so that some form of normality can begin to take shape. My grades will otherwise likely be screwed, if not already after that first psych lecture…

In other news, it’s raining. A lot. It’s also my birthday soon. But sooner than that, I get to see you again on Weds 😀 Happyhappyhappy times! Although maybe not as happy as your time last night, heeyyyyyy? 😛 I kid! I just with I could’ve been there to witness it so I could effectively use it against you when next you accuse me of murdering my liver, hahaha.

I’m feeling Arctic Monkeys-ish:

PS. I wish I was a cat. They have the easiest, most perfect lives. And when I think of cats I think of Alex Boyd and NOW I HAVE THAT GODDAMNED CATSUIT IMAGE THING IN MY HEAD. GODDAMNIT GO AWAAAAAAAAAY. Grr. It’s just cruel that that even exists (no offense intended).


The definition of love.

Inspiration is not happening, however I feel the need to post something. I just stumbled upon (literally) this beautiful post, written by Ryan O’Connell and found here, so am taking the opportunity to re-post this piece of writing here.

Oh, before I start, you all need to know that I just successfully ended the life of one of the largest bitching mozzies you have ever seen. It had been being all ninja and flying around my ceiling for about two hours before it made the mistake of coming within slapping distance of my hands. At least now, I can sleep in peace 🙂

Anyway, on with the writing…

“You can stop taking quizzes in Cosmo. Here’s what love really is.

Love is still wanting to hold someone after you climax. After the initial euphoria from the orgasm wears off, you’re replaced with a sense of calm rather than a panic. You don’t want to search for your clothes, scramble to find your keys and figure out the best way to tell them, “See ya later forever!” You’re fine with chilling out in bed with the person and maybe ordering pad thai later.

Love is unattractive. It can expose our worst traits: Jealousy, irrational fears, heated anger; the gang’s all here! While it can bring out compassion and tenderness, it can also make you behave like the ugliest version of yourself. That can be okay for a little while, but love with real longevity should be like a xanax rather than an adderall.

Love is not afraid to be schmaltzy. There’s a reason why the most popular love songs are so lyrically simple. You can drown it in metaphors all you want but love usually boils down to, “You make me so happy. I want to hold your hand. I just want u 2 be mine 4ever!” You can be a 50-year-old linguistics professor at Columbia University and still find something to relate to in a Mariah Carey ballad if you’re in love because the feelings are so universal. It’s humbling, isn’t it? No matter who you are or what your background is, love can reduce you to Mariah Carey mush.

Love is an all-consuming drug. It gives us these natural highs we’ve only read about in books or heard in songs. It’s addictive. It’s what keeps us going to bars, drinking glasses of wine, going to that stupid house party in Bushwick; it’s all for the possibility of finding love. In the wrong hands, love can be dangerous and scary. If someone lacks a healthy foundation, love can kill. All of these crimes you read about in the newspapers are usually linked to passionate love. “I did it because I loved them just…too much.”

Love is not what our parents had. In high school, you never wanted to think about your mother and father having once slept with people in the backseat of cars and feeling warm and happy. That would make it feel less special and young. It would make love have less to do with you when, EXCUSE ME, it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

Love is getting drunk with your significant other at a party and taking a cab home with your bodies intertwined. You feel safest in these moments, the most secure. Entering a social gathering with someone who loves you is the biggest security blanket. People leave the party as a parade of droopy expressions and sad cocktail dresses. But not you. “Sorry guys, I’m in love! I’m taking a car!”

Love is fucking stupid. Love is fucking smart. Love is about betraying yourself, of compromising your ideals for someone else’s approval. That’s actually the bad kind of love, but I guess it all blurs together when you’re young or when you’re old or when you don’t love yourself.

Love is your significant other telling you about their favorite album and then making a point to fall in love with it on your own. Love is wondering why your better half loves certain things. You think you can find remnants of them in their favorite films, books and songs, but you usually can’t.

Love is finding yourself feeling protective over someone else’s well-being Love is being incensed with rage when someone or something has done your lover wrong.

Love is wanting your partner to cum. And if they can’t, just say, “That’s okay. I’m enjoying this.” It might be bullshit, but they’ll be orgasming in the next five minutes. Trust me.

Love isn’t always marriage. Marriage is spending $60,000 so everyone can know that someone loves you. You know what’s certainly not love? Debt. In some cases, love can be divorce.

Love is a back massage, a mindfuck, a hard cock, a pair of perfect breasts, of feeling unashamed about the cellulite on your body. Love is someone giving a shit about you enough to argue. Love is not passive. Love is “Don’t fucking touch me right now.” Love is “Who the FUCK were you talking to?” Love is sometimes hating yourself for a second. Love is hate. Period. Indifference is the real killer of love and the true antithesis.

When love leaves you, you should be lying on your bathroom floor with no resolve. You’re smoking cigarettes in the bathtub and crying about everything bad that’s ever happened.

Love is someone seeing the beauty in you and wanting to bask in it every day all day. Love is not guaranteed. We are not owed love. That’s why when we get it, we know how lucky we are and hold on to it for dear life.”

Also, this song = ❤


I shouldn’t really be blogging but I am.

It’s 12:56am. I’m in my room alone. I don’t know where my BFF is because she was talking to some cute guy which obvs I couldn’t do because I am all redlightredlightredlight. But that’s OK because I love my Blakie 🙂 I just need to see him soon. Like, real soon.

So yeah, it’s allg. Mum cried when she said goodbye which was weird. What’s also weird is trying to imagine studying at this desk of mine. It’s too unfamiliar and I have too great a view (in daylight) of guys playing frisbee and stuff on the grass. Yeeeeeeeah. Hahaha, but yesh, I’m gonna go to bed. I have to have  a tour of the campus tomorrow and stuffs which’ll be gooooood.

Also, the food is fantastic. I’ll probably be obese when you next see me so just shut up and don’t be mean if I am. Hahaha. Kool kids though, seriously. Nowhere near as scary as I thought it would be. I keep wanting to do capital ‘i’s. Strange. Also, everything’s been really loud so I can’t really even hear myself typing. But that’s OK because I’m going to bed now. I love you all.

Ps. Song of the moment and album I need to buy (Sigh No More):

Pps. Internet is well expensive. I paid like $20 for 2gb or something. Idk. But this is a rare/infrequent thing I’m giving you here. Enjoy. Blahblah, BED! Then breakfast in like 6/7hours. Omnom 😀


Packing and leaving and stuff.

In short, packing SUCKS. Either that, or I just suck at it. But it’s fair that I can blame the activity of packing as being the cause of my stress today.

I’m forever complaining about not having enough clothes, but it’s only now that I’m attempting to fit the majority of the contents of my wardrobe and drawers into two suitcases that I’m realising I actually have a lot more clothes than I remembered. Most of them were at the back of the wardrobe and haven’t seen the light of day for months. I kinda had a bit of fun finding my wintery-ish clothes to pack too, although not so much fun fitting them into the suitcases. Hoodies and jeans are stupidly heavy and space-consuming. It makes sense what with jeans being more than twice the length of shorts and hoodies at least twice the thickness of t-shirts, but it’s still stupid. Look how full these things are already:

Also, my group of friends have gone out for dinner tonight. I wasn’t invited which hurts a bit (…okay a lot). It was quite probably a genuine misconception regarding me being back up North and not being able to go. But hell, last time to see my friends? I’d have bloody bussed/driven/flown down there! But I guess it’s alright. I’ll see some of them again soon. And at least I got to see most people on Friday, plus have lunch with the guys. They matter more really. Is that mean? Meh, I love my friends, but I’ve actually ended up spending more time with Blake’s boys during the summer. And we’ve made so many memories together even in the short space of a few months…that alone is a sure-fire sign of a solid friendship. I love you guys 🙂 (but Blake the most 😀 )

Well, last day at home tomorrow. Also happens to be Valentine’s Day. You got my card, I got yours…we’ll be happy enough 🙂 And what with it being your first day at CPIT it’s hardly likely to be the top of your priority list. But that’s OK, we have plenty more of these silly, commercial, so-today-it’s-ok-to-tell-you-I-love-you days to come. Actually, what I’m looking forward to more than tomorrow is Friday night. Pizzas at your new apartment? Yesh please 😀 Plus cuddles to relieve the initial worries of the first week. I cannot wait to be in your arms again 🙂

And this is my song du jour. ASDHFGKLSJAK, I will never stop loving these guys’ music. I’m forever thankful Boyd 😛


The official end.

So FUCK. Academic Awards Ceremony tomorrow. The final time everyone (mostly) will all be together in that good old auditorium at school. I’m having mixed feelings about the whole ordeal.

On one hand, I’m kinda apprehensive about it. It’s the last time…the LAST time…we’re all going to be together. What the hell? Since when did growing up start happening so fast? I’m not ready to say goodbye. The fact that we’re all moving on with our lives hasn’t really hit me yet, and I don’t think it will until tomorrow. I mean, Kawau wasn’t really a goodbye – that was only IB kids and we had Grad Dinner coming up. But then Grad Dinner wasn’t a final goodbye either because we all knew we had the whole summer ahead of us to catch up with people, and of course this Academic ceremony tomorrow still to come. Yet that Academic ceremony is tomorrow. Already. And it really is the last chance to see everyone before we all go off changing and growing up and making new friends. I don’t want to cry (mascara becomes a problem then…hahaha), but if I do I think I’m allowed to. Kristin has been – and will continue to be, hopefully – my family 🙂

And in this sense, I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow incredibly. Although, yes, it will be the ‘final goodbye’, it certainly doesn’t mean we’re never going to see each other again. A good group of us are in Christchurch together for starters, and it should be easy enough to see Auckland people as well as to keep in contact with everyone else what with  facebook and skype making communication so easy. It’ll also be good to see my old teachers tomorrow, as well as Marisa and any other year 13s that I like enough to say hello to 🙂

So overall, tomorrow should be a blast. I’ve never been this excited for an assembly before so it’s kinda weird, but maybe it’s true what they say about high school being the best years of your life. We just fail to realise it sometimes when we’re actually going through it. Also, I get to have a little lunch with you tomorrow before you leave in the evening. This is neeeeeeeeeeded…weeks apart suck bollocks.

This is another bloody good Hoosiers song:

Oh, and feel free to read this you nosey people 🙂


New theeeeeeeeme.

Good excuse for a poll me thinks 🙂 So, que pensez-vous? (Slightly awkward that I had to google translate that to check the spelling. Jesus Christ, I’ve only not spoken French for 2 and a bit months. But maybe that explains the 4…)

Nothing much else to report, except that I’m glad it rained today because it meant I could wrap your V day gift and things without sweating all over them. I’m glad we’ve opted for a budget day this year. We don’t have to spend an arm and a leg to show that we love one another. And with the 14th also being your first day at CPIT it means we don’t even get to spend time together this year. But I’m sure a Skype date will suffice just fine 😀

Annnnd because I haven’t spoken to you all day (grr) and it’s true that “You’re out there having fun, and I need you. I’m alone with this song, about being empty. And the fear of missing out, it’s hard to be alone.”, this is the soundtrack of my night alone:


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