Tag Archives: I miss you

Good, bad, happy, sad.

Good/happy things about today:

  • I got out of bed before 12pm
  • I was home alone all day. This is good because it reduces arguments.
  • I got three phone calls – the first about College House, the second from Anna about flights, and the third from “Anton from Westpac, Westgate”.
  • I spoke to our neighbour and found out how it is that our cat is so fat despite not eating anything at home. Yup, you guessed it – he dines out every night at his friend’s across the road.
  • I got an email reply from my grandpa, in which he said “So you are quickly learning to hold your drink!! That said; just remember it is the sensible young ladies who will benefit from such a lesson and will prosper throughout life! Sorry, I am beginning to lecture you and no doubt you will remember your Mother looking daggers at me for giving you beer to sample whilst down in Wales!!” This really made me smile for a bit.
  • I watched Friends.
  • My cat came back to sleep on my bed after I had put her outside for the night.
  • I made a necklace.

However, bad/sad:

  • My internet is deathly slow. It irritates me. I want to watch HIMYM and I caaaaan’t 😦
  • I feel really unprepared about returning to CH again. I also feel like somehow everyone else has bonded over these three weeks and I haven’t. I hope it’s not the case; that would suck.
  • My textbooks didn’t arrive. This means they’ll have to be sent down to me. I hope I get them in time.
  • Town tomorrow night has been cancelled. I could go with Auckland CH people but that’s hardly fair on Blake. So we’ll probably have a really cute night in. It just annoys me when plans fail.
  • I realised that next Friday will be my first birthday away from home. It’s strange how things are changing.
  • It was my last day at home again, for the second time in less than a month, only this time I really don’t when I’ll be back. I guess it turned out I didn’t know last time either though.
  • Saying goodbye to Dad was hard…again. Life is so cruel with these goodbyes.
  • I missed you, and I still miss you. Why don’t you txt me? I always have to do it first. Grr. Although that’s not really fair of me to say, sorry. I just miss you, and I’m annoyed at us only getting four days together when I’ve been killing time for three weeks. Friday night better be gooooooood.

Final night in my own bed…again. This song makes me sleepy in the most perfect way possible:

“He is the one who plays the piano
He is the one who wants to love
She is the one who touched his heart
He made too much of this, of course

I guess that’s all
They feel so small
He is the one who wants the crowd to disappear
He is the one who draws them near
He is asleep, deep and cynical
She stays awake to sing sonata.”

I wish it was winter. This is a long post.

But anyway, if it was winter, today I wouldn’t have:

– Procrastinated getting up until 12pm because my room with closed blinds was so much cooler than the inevitable sun outside

– Sat inside printing off photos and sticking them on my diary because it was too hot outside

– Eventually ventured outside due to the dogs’ insistent begging and then wound up in an unfit, sweaty and muddy heap after throwing sticks into the waterhole for the dogs to fetch

– Had to eat cereal for lunch and a salad for dinner because the mere thought of hot food made me overheat

– Be currently sitting here being mauled by mosquitoes

– Have had to put off my violining all day because it’s been too hot.

So yes, this is a miserable and bleh post, but whatever. I’ve been stuck at home all day with no car because I’ve now officially sold mine to my parents. And even if I had gone out today, I’d have run into all the Waitangi bloody shitty crap out in Paihia.

Also, I miss you. Part of me is happy that it’s not too long until I get to see you again; Friday is less than a week away. But Friday being so close also means that you’re leaving in less than a week. And sure, I’m leaving a few days after that to be close to you again but, that’s the thing. I’m leaving home. In a week and a half.

It’s horrible thinking about it. A few months ago I was incredibly excited. Hey, even a few weeks ago when I actually went and saw Christchurch for the first time, even then I was still keen. And part of me is now. But, there’s a larger part of me that is fucking scared shitless (whenever I see that written down I always misread it as ‘shirtless’, haha anywaaay…) I know I’ve spoken to you about all this and you’ve told me that it’ll all be fine. This is something we have to do to be able to be happy and, well, proper adults eventually. I just wish I had a bit more of an idea of what to expect. From the CH BBQ a week ago I managed to gauge that there’s lots of drinking and parties, Orientation Week is hell and a definite time to simply forget about your dignity, and the ruling about no glass bottles on campus is strictly enforced (so beer cans it is). I suppose I was being unfair in expecting that someone would, at some point, sit me down and lecture me about exactly what student life consists of. No-one can do that because it ends up being different for everyone. You and I are going to have totally different experiences purely based on where we’re living, let alone what and where we’re studying. Anna and I, although taking similar subjects at the same uni, we’re living in slightly different halls so therefore will have different overall experiences. Hell, even Grace and I – we’re staying at the same halls and attending the same uni, sure – but I already know that her lectures are way more intense and demanding than mine.

So yeah, it’s gonna be a completely unique little journey. There will, of course, be high points and low points (no telling how low with the length of time Christchurch’s aftershocks have been predicted to go on for, but let’s hope not too bad). However, I’ve got to remember that CH will only be for a year, potentially two. Hell, I’ll probably be sad to leave the place! And then my third year is open to all sorts of options – student apartment or flatting, and there’s no telling who with.

And speaking of people and friends, that’s a final huge factor in my apprehensions. I’m very glad I got to see all my important people last week (except Sacha, goddamnit!!!). There are a bunch of other people I’d like to see before I – and they – disappear for the year, but hopefully Friday will provide a good last chance to talk to them. There would have been other chances to see people before they left if I had actually been invited to certain events, but maybe this is a bit of an awkward subject to bring up so publicly. I’ll save it for private face-to-face rants. Ha, now doncha wish you spoke to me more 😉

Soooooo. I suppose this little HUGE rant is more for myself than anyone else. Although maybe other people are in the same boat as me in respect to university stuff. In fact, no, I know some people are and I find that comforting 🙂 If I go in thinking positively, things can’t go too badly. I hope.

In the meantime, I still miss you (yes, I said this already in the third paragraph or something, but hey, this has taken a while to write). However, I’m glad you let me copy your Regina CDs, because this one’s nice:

Tomorrow will finally be here…tomorrow.

And thank God for that. Enough of the waiting. I hate waiting. Clearly, from this, I have discovered I am a particularly impatient individual. But whatever, does it matter? I miss you; I have missed you for the past month goddammit. So yay, finally, tomorrow, I get to see you, yay yay yay 🙂

But like I said, the waiting sucks. It’s kinda worse that tomorrow’s tomorrow. Not that I wish that tomorrow was still a month away, hell no. I just wish tomorrow was today already. Fuck this waiting, fuckitfuckitfuckit.

And while I’m literally sitting here waiting my ass off, you don’t have to do that. No, lucky fucking you get to go out and have your fun and all that shit. Yeah whatever I’m jealous. It’s not fair. It’s not their fault and no, it’s not your fault either. It’s life’s fucking fault. Why is it fair that one of us has to play the raw old waiting game, while the other gets to soften the actual waiting by being able to do stuff. I don’t know if that makes sense, but to me it does. That’s all that really matters.

Well I do hope you’re having fun. Even if it doesn’t sound like it, I really do. I just wish I could be having fun with you already, rather than having to kill time til tomorrow evening.

Also, isn’t it weird that that’s what this all essentially comes down to? Fun. Fun? What is fun? Fun right now, for me, is basically wherever you are and whatever you’re doing that I’m not. Is that selfish? Maybe. I prefer to regard it as wishful. How ever much I sit here and wish I was with you, or wish at least that I could talk to you, it won’t happen. Until tomorrow.

Fucking tomorrow.

And screw find a video that will actually fucking embed itself on here. Just go listen to this on youtube if you want.

EDIT: For some reason facebook only just decided to publish this. So tomorrow is actually today. In case you were wondering…

A bored person is a boring person.

Blah blah blah, whatever, shut up.

I blame my lack of activity today largely on the weather (humid, raining and gale-like – due to us catching the edge of a cyclone or something apparently). I like rain sometimes though. It gives you an excuse to do indoor-y things without feeling guilty about not being outside. But it’s always the way – when I’m given the perfect day to do my indoor-y things (like a scholarship application and timetable planning and emailing people etc), I cannot be arsed. Hence why today was so totally bleh.

ONE EXCITING THING THOUGH! I’m officially accepted into the University of Canterbury and I got into my music course (the one that was limited numbers and also first-come, first-serve?) So that was a great email to wake up to. My rough timetable has also been published on my online student area place (kinda like the university version of eKristin). Looks like I’ve got a pretty sweet deal – my earliest lecture starts at 10am and my latest finishes at 4pm 🙂

However, I am sort of…well, scared. It’s going to be so different to anything I’ve ever done before – the living away from home aspect as well as the lectures and studying. I keep finding myself imaging College House life as being similar to the music camps I used to go on back in the UK. I guess to an extent it will be, in the sense of the food hall and bathroom sharing and making friends. But I’m going to be in a room of my own. And it’s going to be hard to know when to have ‘me’ time and when to be being social and when to be studying alone or with friends or when to go to the shops and whether to go to the shops with people or alone or with people from outside College House…ASDHAJDFHJHDAFH! 😦 I’m so confused. I can’t sleep at night because of it. It’s all stupid stuff, but it’s still, well…stuff. It’s bound to be fine and it’ll all probably sort itself out once I’m there. But, I don’t know. It’s just weird trying to imagine it. Bleh.

The only other remotely interesting thing today was me attempting to learn this on violin (it was the only half-decent clip out of the two on youtube of the song, but I think you get the idea):

When I went to visit College House the Dean let me in on a little secret about the Cultural Evenings that are put on frequently by the students. Usually they get the second years to put on the first one to give us first years an idea of what to expect. But this year, us first years are being made to do the first Evening. I figure if I at least have one thing up my sleeve I can contribute a little something to the nervous first years’ effort. So that explains that.

In other news, I miss you. Come talk to me?

I’m being reminded of how isolated I am so I’m gonna blog (but not about that).

Getting full-on indie now. Long and essentially meaningless blog post titles. And short sentences which, in ‘real English’ probably can’t be classified as actual ‘sentences’ because of them lacking some sort of subject or pronoun or verb or something… Anyway, I digress. Here is a list of things of interest dans ma vie at the moment:

– Well, this is my first blog post on my MacBook! I picked it up from Blake on the way back from Christchurch on Thursday. Got it into action on Friday and I think I’ve finally pretty much sorted myself out on it 🙂 Apart from a bit of a kerfuffle trying to transfer my iPod music to iTunes, and again trying to transfer my gmail contacts across to my Address Book, I am loving it. I feel like that guy in the “Hi, I’m a Mac” ads. Except I have no pity for PCs, I’m just better than them. Ha! Oh, and you know how my sister was supposed to be buying my old laptop from me? Well she’s not (Blake and I are gonna smash it up 😀 ), but her solution? Buy a Compaq laptop. I mean, WHAT? It’ll die soon. In the first day of owning it she already managed to ‘lose the mouse’ on the screen. I guess she’ll learn the hard way…

– I had a great day in Christchurch on Thursday. Got shown around my accommodation (College House) by the Dean, but only because we accidentally turned up an hour early for our appointment with some other guy. Hahaha, oh well – it looks really awesome (I was so awed by it that I forgot to take photos, sorry! But there’ll be plenty when I actually move down there I’m sure). It’s based on the Oxford and Cambridge set-up, so we have formal dinners four days a week (with gowns and everything!) and they have debating and cultural evenings and chapel and ALL sorts of fun things 😀 The only thing I have to do myself is laundry, and ironically it’s the only (OK, almost only…) thing I don’t do at home. So either Mum will show me what to do before I go down, or I’ll shrink and dye a few things in the process of teaching myself. Either way. We walked around the city too and it’s so quiet compared to Auckland. I like it 🙂 Here is a photo of the beautiful Christchurch cathedral:

– The flights have been booked to go to Christchurch on the 15th too. I find it incredibly terrifying that in exactly a month I will be longer be living at home… But in exactly a month I will also be a hell of a lot closer to you, and permanently 😀 And as soon as we settle into our study and job routines, we’ll organise Friday night pizza-nights or something cute 🙂 Plus you has a double bed in your room so it’ll be kinda like normal – me always coming to see you rather than the other way round, hehe 😛 But yesh, that is one BIG part that I am looking forward to immensely 😀

– And well, at the moment my life is a little bit on hold. Apart from having a scholarship I need to apply for, I have nothing planned until I go back to Auckland on the 29th (or around then). I’ve been to the beach for the past two days, so I guess I’ll continue that routine until the sun stops shining. And then I’ll just blog and tumblr and facebook my way through the days until I get to see you again. It was so good to see you the other day, even if it was so very briefly. I miss you more and more with each passing day (hence my excitement aforementioned in the previous point).

– Finally, well, CLIVE’S BACK!!! And you’re all getting to hang out and talk about the film tonight and I can’t bloody be there. I suppose this point actually does relate back to this post’s title. Living out here does suck. Whenever I’ve spoken to people over the past few weeks and they’ve asked where I am it’s been pretty much “Oh wow! It’s beautiful up there. But to live? Yeah, bit out of the way…” Which is exactly the point. I’m not about to complain about not having a summer because I sure as hell am weather-wise. I’m just not really getting a summer with friends. I’m not getting to hang out at Kristy’s beach house as was loosely planned, and I don’t get to chill with you and your guys either. But I guess soon enough I will. And soon enough I’ll be making new friends too. I just wish I could spend some proper decent time with the people who matter before I leave the majority of them in favour of Christchurch..

Finally, there’s this beauty:

And this stupid close-up, but it’s cute 😀

I got three-quarters of the way through writing a blog post

and my shitty old laptop (which I’m selling to my sister for $200…hahahaha) crashed. So I’m gonna summarise for you, because I cannot be arsed typing it all out again.

– I’m back up North. Weather is fabulous. Tried running, failed at it. Thinking I might just wait until I get cheap gym fees at uni.

– IB results. Fairly happy. The buzz has kinda died down now on facebook/in general. My grades were incredibly unexpected. As I said in a facebook status the other day, they very clearly reflect a loss of motivation over the 3 weeks of exams, as well as how much of the ‘study week’ I spent studying for exams which were in the first week (all of it…) Main success = ecosystems, main downfall = psychology (I would say French but I kinda deserve a 4 after literally zero study). Overall, I’m all good for university and that’s all that matters.

– Going down to Christchurch this coming Thursday to look around College House. It’s an expensive day-trip, but je suis très excitè 🙂 Planning on sussing out potential places of employment too, seeing as money’s gonna be pretty low what with me not having had a summer job between school and uni…

– My MacBook arrived today!!!!!! This is slightly anti-climatic as I don’t physically have it yet. But it’s in your hands which means it’ll be in mine soon 😀 A working laptop. What a novel idea…

– Finally, relationships. This was going to be a rant of its own but I don’t trust my laptop to survive long enough for me to be able to get it all out. Basically, despite the way it seems (to me anyway) that many others at the moment are, as one of my friends put it, becoming victim to the “bad season for relationships”, we’re fine. Of course we are though 😀 I miss you like hell, and the first few days after leaving you are always the worst. But it’s less than 20 days til I see you again. It’s a fair while, but after that…well, Christchurch together. Us + uni does sort of scare me, I’ll admit. Neither of us really have any idea what it’s going to be like. But, hopefully, we’ll find ‘us’ time in our little lives down there somewhere.  We’ll make it work anyway, that’s for sure 🙂

– And FINALLY finally (sorry to be a pain…), I miss my friends 😦 All of youuuuuuuuuuuuuu. I wanted to go to the movies tonight, and I want to go visit Sacha and Anna and Hayley and sort out a trip somewhere with Kristy too before we go our separate ways! But whether it’ll actually get sorted out and happen, I don’t know. I desperately want it to. Grrr, silly distance. You are a bitch.

I can’t actually play this video on my fuckass internet connection, but it was a bit of a summer anthem of mine a few years ago (JESUS, 2006!). It  has relevance to current events (kinda), and I miss it.

Back at my home which isn’t really home.

The strangest thing about having spent the past 10 days with entirely you is that I’m suddenly not used to other people’s voices. Take this for example: I fell asleep in the car on the way back up North, only for about 10 minutes but long enough for my senses to become disorientated. Dad didn’t notice and said something about “having a beer when we get home”. I got very confused because I thought Dad’s voice was yours, and also that he said ‘bear’ instead of ‘beer’. I miss you already. Grrr 😦

I also have my shitty Acer back. It looks ugly because you said if it looked ugly it would work quicker because of it needing less graphics stuff or something. It’s actually working fine, I just miss all the MacBook shortcuts and all its smoothness. I’d got used to it already (in the space of, what was it, a week?) and now I wants it back. But I guess we’ll wait to figure out how much fixing it is going to cost first.

Also, I’m peeling dreadfully. Remember how I told you how horrendously sunburnt I got the other day at Mangawhai? Well yeah, apparently I don’t tan following burn. I peel and return to my usual sorry White British state. I kinda knew this already but suppose I was feverishly hoping some miracle would occur and make me more Kiwi-skinned. But instead I’m remarkably resembling a snake shedding its rather sun-frazzled skin. Oh well, we live and learn…

Mum’s asked me for a Christmas list (only a week before Christmas, I know…), but I have no idea what to ask for. I know that you’ve got me what I really want, and a laptop from them would just be out of the question. So yeah, apart from two CDs I requested a while ago, it looks like it’s going to be a bit of an empty Christmas for me. I need ideaaaaaaaaas…

AND FINALLY, as promised…

Favourite parts:

Clive: “Alright shut up boys, let’s go, c’mon LET’S GO!”
Sheldon: “Oh wow.”
Sheldon’s face at 00:34
Blake’s laugh

So uh…that would be about all of it. Hope you enjoyed 🙂

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