Tag Archives: future

The official end.

So FUCK. Academic Awards Ceremony tomorrow. The final time everyone (mostly) will all be together in that good old auditorium at school. I’m having mixed feelings about the whole ordeal.

On one hand, I’m kinda apprehensive about it. It’s the last time…the LAST time…we’re all going to be together. What the hell? Since when did growing up start happening so fast? I’m not ready to say goodbye. The fact that we’re all moving on with our lives hasn’t really hit me yet, and I don’t think it will until tomorrow. I mean, Kawau wasn’t really a goodbye – that was only IB kids and we had Grad Dinner coming up. But then Grad Dinner wasn’t a final goodbye either because we all knew we had the whole summer ahead of us to catch up with people, and of course this Academic ceremony tomorrow still to come. Yet that Academic ceremony is tomorrow. Already. And it really is the last chance to see everyone before we all go off changing and growing up and making new friends. I don’t want to cry (mascara becomes a problem then…hahaha), but if I do I think I’m allowed to. Kristin has been – and will continue to be, hopefully – my family 🙂

And in this sense, I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow incredibly. Although, yes, it will be the ‘final goodbye’, it certainly doesn’t mean we’re never going to see each other again. A good group of us are in Christchurch together for starters, and it should be easy enough to see Auckland people as well as to keep in contact with everyone else what with  facebook and skype making communication so easy. It’ll also be good to see my old teachers tomorrow, as well as Marisa and any other year 13s that I like enough to say hello to 🙂

So overall, tomorrow should be a blast. I’ve never been this excited for an assembly before so it’s kinda weird, but maybe it’s true what they say about high school being the best years of your life. We just fail to realise it sometimes when we’re actually going through it. Also, I get to have a little lunch with you tomorrow before you leave in the evening. This is neeeeeeeeeeded…weeks apart suck bollocks.

This is another bloody good Hoosiers song:

Oh, and feel free to read this you nosey people 🙂


All you need is love.

To redeem a little bit from my blatant last post, I want to talk about how us and our future together. It’s approaching Valentine’s Day and well, I’m feeling in the mood. So here goes 🙂

Now, people are bound to judge me for saying this, but I have every intention of marrying you. I know we’re still young and all that, but personally, I think that being young makes it better. I think that young minds possess more passion and will than the minds of many (although certainly not all) adults. Of course I have an extremely biased view on this, having yet to experience real adulthood I’m still fairly innocent to many of the trials and tribulations of being a grown up. However, all you need is love right? I fully believe in this. I believe that our love conquers all. I mean, just look at what we’ve already been through! Sure, adults encounter their own problems with finances, rent, jobs etc., but do adults in love encounter the same problems as those that aren’t? Put it this way: we both battled our way through IB. We inevitably had our own personal little problems and stressful moments as did everyone, but having someone else with me 100% of the time who I knew was going through exactly the same thing and was there to talk to and reassure me sure as hell made it a billion times less painful. So I’m theorising that the same should apply to marriage. Money issues, job hunting…I don’t know, whatever it is, when you’re married you’re both in it together aren’t you? “A problem shared is a problem halved”, and that’s exactly the way it should be.

This has all somehow emerged from last night’s action. I realised I don’t want to grow up to be like my parents. Without going into personal details, I do kind of get that three kids undoubtedly gets stressful and that we’re probably not easy on the pocket. But I want us – you and I – to be so much better than what I’ve grown up with. I want us to be able to be middle-aged and working but to still have time for each other. Admittedly, I do have a very idealistic image planted in my mind about us, kids, house, good money, and of course I know that absolutely flawless perfection is impossible. However, I do believe that it’s possible to perceive something – such as life – as perfect despite its flaws. Referring back to the ‘love conquering all’ idea, I truly have faith that it can, based on what I’ve already experienced together with you.

However, I do think that there is one key element that cannot be omitted if love is to be the solution to all life’s problems, and that is communication. From my observations in my 19 years of life, lack of communication just results in misunderstandings and arguments, thus leading to unhappiness. And really, what good is life if it doesn’t make us happy? It’s human nature to seek the happy and enjoyable things in life. I mean, we don’t choose to be part of a group of friends that put us down and make us feel shit about ourselves constantly, do we? No, we choose friends who make us smile and laugh and who are able to pick us up when we’re down. The same goes for marriage. Just because there’s a vow involved that commits us to this one person out of the 6.8 billion others on Earth, that should not mean that at some point we decide this person no longer makes us happy. Even through decades of marriage and memories together, I believe (and hope) that if a person once made you happy, then they still can. Same goes for communication. If communication is failing, make it un-fail for God’s sake! If you were once able to talk to the love of your life about anything, you still can.

Now forgive me, for I sense that this post has become somewhat like an advice column towards the last paragraph. But I can’t be screwed editing it, and I’m sure the message is pretty clear anyway: you and me, together, always, because you’re my best friend, you’re my world, and you make me so so happy 😀

And if this isn’t the most appropriate song to accompany this post, then I don’t know what is 🙂


I got three-quarters of the way through writing a blog post

and my shitty old laptop (which I’m selling to my sister for $200…hahahaha) crashed. So I’m gonna summarise for you, because I cannot be arsed typing it all out again.

– I’m back up North. Weather is fabulous. Tried running, failed at it. Thinking I might just wait until I get cheap gym fees at uni.

– IB results. Fairly happy. The buzz has kinda died down now on facebook/in general. My grades were incredibly unexpected. As I said in a facebook status the other day, they very clearly reflect a loss of motivation over the 3 weeks of exams, as well as how much of the ‘study week’ I spent studying for exams which were in the first week (all of it…) Main success = ecosystems, main downfall = psychology (I would say French but I kinda deserve a 4 after literally zero study). Overall, I’m all good for university and that’s all that matters.

– Going down to Christchurch this coming Thursday to look around College House. It’s an expensive day-trip, but je suis très excitè 🙂 Planning on sussing out potential places of employment too, seeing as money’s gonna be pretty low what with me not having had a summer job between school and uni…

– My MacBook arrived today!!!!!! This is slightly anti-climatic as I don’t physically have it yet. But it’s in your hands which means it’ll be in mine soon 😀 A working laptop. What a novel idea…

– Finally, relationships. This was going to be a rant of its own but I don’t trust my laptop to survive long enough for me to be able to get it all out. Basically, despite the way it seems (to me anyway) that many others at the moment are, as one of my friends put it, becoming victim to the “bad season for relationships”, we’re fine. Of course we are though 😀 I miss you like hell, and the first few days after leaving you are always the worst. But it’s less than 20 days til I see you again. It’s a fair while, but after that…well, Christchurch together. Us + uni does sort of scare me, I’ll admit. Neither of us really have any idea what it’s going to be like. But, hopefully, we’ll find ‘us’ time in our little lives down there somewhere.  We’ll make it work anyway, that’s for sure 🙂

– And FINALLY finally (sorry to be a pain…), I miss my friends 😦 All of youuuuuuuuuuuuuu. I wanted to go to the movies tonight, and I want to go visit Sacha and Anna and Hayley and sort out a trip somewhere with Kristy too before we go our separate ways! But whether it’ll actually get sorted out and happen, I don’t know. I desperately want it to. Grrr, silly distance. You are a bitch.

I can’t actually play this video on my fuckass internet connection, but it was a bit of a summer anthem of mine a few years ago (JESUS, 2006!). It  has relevance to current events (kinda), and I miss it.


You.

Last night was perfect. So perfect. We had the best cuddles (8 days apart is far too long to bear), and we had cute little presents for each other which were perfect in themselves because they show how we know we don’t have to try and impress each other – that something with meaning counts more than anything. Dinner was made perfect by your mother’s classic appearance and then our usual people-watching comments and conversations about life. And then our trip to the beach in the Swift with good music playing through the open window (thanks to my mixtape skills 😛 ). Cute walk/chase along the sand and then back in time to buy snacks for our movie. Empty theatre, best seats in the house, one of the best movies I’ve seen with exactly the right amount of lovey stuff to be cute, and tension to give me an excuse to hold your hand. Home late, then snuggles in bed with chocolate and bro’Town. Pillow talk, play fights, cute kisses and cuddles, then finally sleep-time in the best place in the entire universe – your room, your bed, right beside you.

You mean the absolute world to me bubs. Spending time with you makes me realise how worthless and boring and pointless everything else in life is. The only thing that matters is you, especially now. We have exams and we’re supposed to be studying and I’m trying…I really am. Apparently, these exams define our futures. To an extent, yes. But ultimately, it’s the people that make you who you are that make the hugest difference to where you end up and what you become. And for me, that person is you.  I love you so much. Always will. Thank you for always being here.


I fall…

…deeper and deeper in love with you every day, hour and minute, whether we’re together or apart. Seriously, there’s no words that can or will ever be able to describe what you mean to me. I know others are probably reading this and thinking, ‘Oh here she goes, another soppy lovey-dovey post’, but baby, I don’t know how else I can tell you. And when I’m sitting here at home without you on a Friday night, in your pyjamas and with my big bear (miserable enough image?), you’re all I can think about, therefore it makes sense to write about you. I need to.

Today you made me so proud. I know you didn’t mean to, it wasn’t your aim. You don’t sit up there on that stage thinking about what others think of you because that’s not how you are. You’re just absolutely amazing, I don’t know how to put it into words. I can’t help but look and you and think how lucky I am. Everything about your personality, makes you you, and by God, it makes you the best person – heart and soul – in the entire fucking universe.

And I don’t actually care that I’m sitting here right now drowning in my silly tears. I’m allowed to, anyone is. Life is a complete turmoil of emotion at the moment, and I think today was one of the few occasions over the next couple of months which landmarks our changing lives. I’m not about to try and give a Bwendan Kelly speech here, but I have to just get these little thoughts out of my head.

It’s not until you actually experience the commissioning of next year’s prefects, not until you actually have your final ever day of a complete term at school, that you fully appreciate how far you’ve come. For me, I know that despite having only been at Kristin since last year, I have found my true family. I mean, most importantly I found you, but I’ve also found so many other great friends – I still am! – and we’ve all done so much together. I know these things will compile to give me the best memories of my life. Today, especially, reminded me of something, this time last year…

We were growing closer together, finally. We were already talking pretty much every night, sharing our lives with each other, instinctively trusting each other. The morning of this very day last year, I remember so clearly walking into school from the cars with you, talking about your prefecty stuff. Even then I remember seeing your perfectness and complete genuineness as a person. I was already in love with you, you know that. There were moments before that, but I like to think of that particular morning as sticking out as an especially important memory. It was the beginning of many things – of us, of this year panning out as it has, of us both finding new friends and both becoming better people. But, together. Always together.

So, see what I mean? It is you that has made my life how it is – actually bearable in the worst times and bloody fantastic during the best. I know I said at the beginning that I couldn’t put what you mean to me into words, but there you go…typical me, I’ve managed to eat half an hour of my life trying. I love you to the moon and back. You are my world (and my panda). So thank you thank you thank you. I’m forever yours.

And this will forever remind me of today.


Gatsby.

Handed in all my unneeded English books today. Many I am delighted to be rid of, but there are perhaps 3 which I actually now feel sufficiently empty without.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being – Milan Kundera

The Sorrow of War – Bao Ninh

and most importantly

The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald.

I want to write a whole goddamn book on Gatsby. He is perfect, not only (or necessarily) on-screen, but absolutely through Fitzgerald’s depiction. He is perfection in every sense of the word. He gives up his entire life for the love of a girl. It makes him blinder than the oldest of men, but the honesty and genuineness of his love makes those around him just as blind as he is.  His devotion is heartbreaking to witness, particularly due to Daisy’s ultimate choice. And Nick. Sigh. He is my second favourite definition of perfection. Who cares if he shares this love story with us from his ‘biased’ point-of-view? Who cares. He knows and sees more than any other characters in the book. He understands, he empathises. He knows love too, and he admires Gatsby’s dedication. He almost pities him, but Nick’s final words to Gatsby say all that we need to know about him:

“‘They are a rotten crowd,’ I shouted across the lawn. ‘You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together.’ I’ve always been glad I said that. It was the only compliment I ever gave him, because I disapproved of him from beginning to end. First he nodded politely, and then his face broke into that radiant and understanding smile, as if we’d been in ecstatic cahoots on that fact all the time.”

This is true understanding, true friendship. And Gatsby is the truth of what it is to be human: loving another so uncontrollably that your life becomes their life, that everything you do and everything you have ever done is and has been for that person, that that person lights up rooms, makes the ugliest things beautiful and mends the sorest of memories. Live and love as though you will not be there to witness any form of ‘end’, because as far as you’re concerned, the ‘end’ is an impossible, heartbreaking and out-of-this-world concept. That is what it is all about.

And this wouldn’t be a true ‘Gatsby’ post without…

“Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther… And one fine morning —
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”



This is good for you.

Yes, this. This thing right here. Well, not actually you reading it (although I’m sure it’s not harming you) but, I’ve mentioned before how my English teacher tries to get us to write blog posts on his special ENGRISH blog about our texts and stuff. Well, I never do it (naturally) but I do this and well, apparently my writing is very fluent and worthy of a 7 (which is the highest grade thingy you can get in IB). So yeah, screw you school blogging…MY blog is actually helpful in regard to my school-work AND life in general 😀

I made one of these cool buggers as a mini-celebration:
I like how the important words from my homepage today are the biggest ones. It’s a pretty good summary of what I write about 🙂

And seeing as ‘future’ is up there, might be worth mentioning how fucking scared I am of it. Not scared in the sense that I don’t want to go and explore the world and all that, I do. But I wish I just knew exactly what I was doing. All I know is that a Bachelor of Music sounds like a fun/interesting thing to do so, because of course I’d hate to let down my parents *rolls eyes* it’s my only real option. But the thing is, I don’t want to go anywhere that you’re not going. That’s what I’m essentially scared of – not being able to be near you next year because of some stupid university logistic. Grrr, I kinda wanna skip the whole uni thing and just bloody grow-up, get a sweet job, be happy. Life ain’t all downhill though.

This is playing on my iPod atm…pretty apt:


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