Category Archives: Rants

Well f**k ’em.

So today at dinner, my sister and mother decided to tell me that they can’t wait for me to leave home. My sister’s reasoning was that I am ‘just so bloody annoying’ and she ‘can’t stand’ to be around me, whilst my mother claims I ‘always say the wrong things’ and am ‘too sarcastic’ and ‘ungrateful’.

CUE RANT.

Now, I think I can safely assume that my apparent annoyingness (that’s not a word, but whatever) and unbearablility (wow, I’m on a role) are due to the fact that I supposedly am so sarcastic and untimely with the things I say when I’m at home. You must be thinking, OK wow…she must say some pretty radical things if they make her sister and mother want her to piss off already, but that’s the thing; they’re really not.

At dinner today I merely made some joke about my sister wanting something microwaved for 30 seconds. I said something like, “Ooh, sure you don’t want 35 seconds? Don’t know how good that microwave is…”, to which my mum exploded into a tirade about my ‘ungratefulness’ towards what I’m given (the microwave thing was the tiniest of fucking comments, gimme a break). My sister then shouted at me for making Mum shout, when really that’s Mum’s problem; the comment I made didn’t ask for any shouting at all. I took it all with a pinch of salt initially. I couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, I mean for fuck’s sake. Even now it all sounds so menial and unnecessary.

But that’s exactly what pisses me off about it all. Not so much the fact that my mother and sister want me out so desperately that they can’t quit telling me so during my last week at home; trust me, I want to be out of home more desperately than you’d believe. I’ve been wanting out for years. But no, you wanna know what really fucks me off about all this? The absolute pointlessness of it all! Fuuuuuuuuucking hell! This happens all the time. My insignificant, purely conversational comments are only intended to make someone laugh (admittedly it usually ends up being me at my own jokes, or Dad), but more importantly I just want to put a bit of a break in the daily so-called ‘conversation’ which, without fail, alternates between the subject of swimming to the subject of horses. Is that such a crime? It shouldn’t be, should it, yet my mother treats me as if I’ve nicknamed God ‘Satan’. She seems to have nothing better to do with her life than to be narrow-minded and bitter towards anything that doesn’t directly relate to or compliment her. Talk about mountains out of molehills, literally any excuse to shout her fucking head off and she’ll take it. I seriously think that for her, the more meaningless the spark, the more attractive it is. WHAT THE FUCK.

So yes, many of the apprehensions aforementioned in posts a couple of days ago about leaving home have evaporated in the light (if it can be called ‘light’) of tonight’s shit. I honestly think anywhere would be better than being stuck between these four walls with this combination of people.

And because I’m feeling a really weird kind of angry – I’m kinda amused by the stupidity of it all – here’s a gorgeous song which I rediscovered amongst my old-ish albums today. And it kinda works with the subject of this post. Kinda.:

 


I wish it was winter. This is a long post.

But anyway, if it was winter, today I wouldn’t have:

– Procrastinated getting up until 12pm because my room with closed blinds was so much cooler than the inevitable sun outside

– Sat inside printing off photos and sticking them on my diary because it was too hot outside

– Eventually ventured outside due to the dogs’ insistent begging and then wound up in an unfit, sweaty and muddy heap after throwing sticks into the waterhole for the dogs to fetch

– Had to eat cereal for lunch and a salad for dinner because the mere thought of hot food made me overheat

– Be currently sitting here being mauled by mosquitoes

– Have had to put off my violining all day because it’s been too hot.

So yes, this is a miserable and bleh post, but whatever. I’ve been stuck at home all day with no car because I’ve now officially sold mine to my parents. And even if I had gone out today, I’d have run into all the Waitangi bloody shitty crap out in Paihia.

Also, I miss you. Part of me is happy that it’s not too long until I get to see you again; Friday is less than a week away. But Friday being so close also means that you’re leaving in less than a week. And sure, I’m leaving a few days after that to be close to you again but, that’s the thing. I’m leaving home. In a week and a half.

It’s horrible thinking about it. A few months ago I was incredibly excited. Hey, even a few weeks ago when I actually went and saw Christchurch for the first time, even then I was still keen. And part of me is now. But, there’s a larger part of me that is fucking scared shitless (whenever I see that written down I always misread it as ‘shirtless’, haha anywaaay…) I know I’ve spoken to you about all this and you’ve told me that it’ll all be fine. This is something we have to do to be able to be happy and, well, proper adults eventually. I just wish I had a bit more of an idea of what to expect. From the CH BBQ a week ago I managed to gauge that there’s lots of drinking and parties, Orientation Week is hell and a definite time to simply forget about your dignity, and the ruling about no glass bottles on campus is strictly enforced (so beer cans it is). I suppose I was being unfair in expecting that someone would, at some point, sit me down and lecture me about exactly what student life consists of. No-one can do that because it ends up being different for everyone. You and I are going to have totally different experiences purely based on where we’re living, let alone what and where we’re studying. Anna and I, although taking similar subjects at the same uni, we’re living in slightly different halls so therefore will have different overall experiences. Hell, even Grace and I – we’re staying at the same halls and attending the same uni, sure – but I already know that her lectures are way more intense and demanding than mine.

So yeah, it’s gonna be a completely unique little journey. There will, of course, be high points and low points (no telling how low with the length of time Christchurch’s aftershocks have been predicted to go on for, but let’s hope not too bad). However, I’ve got to remember that CH will only be for a year, potentially two. Hell, I’ll probably be sad to leave the place! And then my third year is open to all sorts of options – student apartment or flatting, and there’s no telling who with.

And speaking of people and friends, that’s a final huge factor in my apprehensions. I’m very glad I got to see all my important people last week (except Sacha, goddamnit!!!). There are a bunch of other people I’d like to see before I – and they – disappear for the year, but hopefully Friday will provide a good last chance to talk to them. There would have been other chances to see people before they left if I had actually been invited to certain events, but maybe this is a bit of an awkward subject to bring up so publicly. I’ll save it for private face-to-face rants. Ha, now doncha wish you spoke to me more 😉

Soooooo. I suppose this little HUGE rant is more for myself than anyone else. Although maybe other people are in the same boat as me in respect to university stuff. In fact, no, I know some people are and I find that comforting 🙂 If I go in thinking positively, things can’t go too badly. I hope.

In the meantime, I still miss you (yes, I said this already in the third paragraph or something, but hey, this has taken a while to write). However, I’m glad you let me copy your Regina CDs, because this one’s nice:


Tomorrow will finally be here…tomorrow.

And thank God for that. Enough of the waiting. I hate waiting. Clearly, from this, I have discovered I am a particularly impatient individual. But whatever, does it matter? I miss you; I have missed you for the past month goddammit. So yay, finally, tomorrow, I get to see you, yay yay yay 🙂

But like I said, the waiting sucks. It’s kinda worse that tomorrow’s tomorrow. Not that I wish that tomorrow was still a month away, hell no. I just wish tomorrow was today already. Fuck this waiting, fuckitfuckitfuckit.

And while I’m literally sitting here waiting my ass off, you don’t have to do that. No, lucky fucking you get to go out and have your fun and all that shit. Yeah whatever I’m jealous. It’s not fair. It’s not their fault and no, it’s not your fault either. It’s life’s fucking fault. Why is it fair that one of us has to play the raw old waiting game, while the other gets to soften the actual waiting by being able to do stuff. I don’t know if that makes sense, but to me it does. That’s all that really matters.

Well I do hope you’re having fun. Even if it doesn’t sound like it, I really do. I just wish I could be having fun with you already, rather than having to kill time til tomorrow evening.

Also, isn’t it weird that that’s what this all essentially comes down to? Fun. Fun? What is fun? Fun right now, for me, is basically wherever you are and whatever you’re doing that I’m not. Is that selfish? Maybe. I prefer to regard it as wishful. How ever much I sit here and wish I was with you, or wish at least that I could talk to you, it won’t happen. Until tomorrow.

Fucking tomorrow.

And screw find a video that will actually fucking embed itself on here. Just go listen to this on youtube if you want.

EDIT: For some reason facebook only just decided to publish this. So tomorrow is actually today. In case you were wondering…


Break-down.

CAR break-down. Don’t worry, I’m not there yet. But this was the second in a week. Seems my car is the only one that is actually reliable, despite it being viewed as the shitty, approved by Dad as an it’ll-do-for-our-daughter car. I’ll be sad to see my Honda go when I leave for university, that much is true.

But back to today. My family minus Dad (he was away) got stranded in Kerikeri for 3 additional and unwelcome hours after something screwed up in the starter motor and it wouldn’t start to take us home. The one good thing that came out of all this? Well, I bought a $1 white shirt. Lovely. No, you’re right. It wasn’t. Fucking shithouse of a day.

This also meant my plans to finish my scholarship didn’t happen. I got a sunburnt back and face (again). And then, to make this day a whole lot better, I find out that the fishing rod I bought my brother for Christmas to catch eels with got washed away in the torrential rain we had at the weekend. And it’s not like he left it out overnight to (try to) catch something; that might be understandable. No, he’d left if down by the river for weeks. Forgotten about it, essentially. So sorry, but that’s the last time I buy a present for him that actually had some thought put into it.

Is it strange then, that watching Nigella’s Kitchen was the peaceful highlight of my day? In context, no, I think it’s perfectly understandable.

This is helping with the calming too:


Freedom is boring.

This post is going to be a bit back-to-front. I’ve been trying to muster up the energy to blog for the past few days. I wanted to write about Graduation Dinner and what a wonderful weekend I had, but recent events have made me a bit…annoyed shall we say. And it seems annoyance is the main fuel for me blogging. But I will get to the good stuff towards the end – I promise.

– So, firstly, a bitch about money (or lack of). Now I’ve never considered myself as having a Pet Hate, something which always means there’s one question I have no answer for on those pointless facebook ‘notes’, but I think I may have discovered one: people who don’t work for their money. In other words, people who get fed everything on a plate. Now of course, I’ve got to be careful here. I’m aiming this at those people that just seem to have absolutely no idea of the concept of ‘work’. Those people who, will organise lunch out with friends and be handed $30 by their mother on their way out door. Those who say ‘Oh yes, we must go out to town!’ but don’t realise that although their parents might happily fork out their credit card for their child’s enjoyment, mine won’t. Mine (or more precisely my mother) will say, ‘Oh you’re going out? What about budgeting some of this money of yours.’ My response (internally, I daren’t say this out loud), ‘What about treating your daughter for once?’ But yes. This is life. I am itching to get a job after having recently (on Friday) having had my final shift at my job, but circumstances with moving house make it next to impossible. It’s alright my mother telling me every fucking day ‘You need to sort out how you’re going to have enough money for university. You can’t go spending all your money.’ My arguments are a) all my money is a gross lie; I have hardly a dollar to my name, b) the money I spend goes on essentially basic things and is done infrequently, such as petrol for my car, food for lunch, or a cheap shirt, and c) WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU HELPING OUT? Apparently turning 18 and finishing school is the point at which your parents financially disown you. (Actually, who am I kidding, I’ve been paying my own way and getting employed since I started at Kristin, which is since I was 16.) Bitches.

– Secondly, moving house. I started packing today. My room feels and looks empty. Today, as I was tearing old posters and photos from the walls I realised that this room is probably the last whose walls will display those teenage posters and memories. It suddenly hit me, how much things are physically changing, and how the next permanent ‘home’ of mine will (hopefully) be at College House in Christchurch. Of course I’ll take as many of my memories (in photographical form) with me as I can, but a lot are going to be lost. Today I also made a sort of unconscious decision to file away my memories of Wales in some reminiscent drawer at the very back of my mind. As I removed those photos of my farewell dinner with my friends before The Move to New Zealand and some of those from many music courses gone by, I realised that the last time I spoke to the large majority of those people was when I was in the same time-zone as them. It’s sad how time changes things, time and distance, but I’ve decided I’m moving on from that.

– And speaking of moving on, I’m finally onto the good stuff – Graduation Dinner. I’ll admit, I was somewhat apprehensive about the night – on one hand because of the prospect of performing in front of the whole year plus parents, but also because some internal feeling told me that this was going to be one hell of an emotional night. Well the performance nerves weren’t going anywhere fast, and despite me believing I’d never be able to play violin in tune and in time after alcohol, I couldn’t survive 3 hours with jitters and water. But, alcohol or not, it went amazingly. Standing up there with you guys (you know who you are) gave me such a feeling of belonging that I think is the strongest I’ve ever felt among a group of friends. And it’s not only the actual performance, but also the knowledge that we’d put so much into it in such a short space of time. It was something that needed to be done, and I’m so glad that you all got to do it and I got to be a part of it (and, of course, that it was such a success). In regard to the emotional side of things, I think it’s yet to sink in. I kept repeating over and over in my head, ‘This is the last time you’re going to see some of these guys’, and I thought that that alone would be enough to fuel the water-works. But it’s as though I don’t want to believe it, similar to the last day of school. It has happened too fast, and it was all to perfect to end this soon.

So there you have it. Another beast of an update. I’ll honestly try to post more often, especially when I’m stranded Up North. But I am struggling to find motivation, almost as some sort of combination of these three points above. But, for the sake of my own sanity and trying to make sense of things, I’ll try not to be a stranger to you as long as you promise the same to me.

PS. I love you so much ❤


I NEED A NEW LAPTOP.

Desperately. I’ve had this THING for practically 3 years and, being Windows (and a completely shit Windows at that), it’s just dying on me. It keeps telling me how my C drive is exploding because I store too much stuff on it, but in actual fact when it told me that two years ago I cleared it all out and it was fine for about two months. And then it mysteriously gained a heap of junk overnight and ever since it’s been pretty hopeless.

I guess it has got me through two years of IB. Well, just. When the battery buggered out on me earlier this year I bought a new charger. When that didn’t work, I got a new battery. Somehow a combination of old and new/battery and charger meant it worked when plugged in, but try using it without a power supply? Yeah, dead within a minute. That, my study class friends, is the exact reason why I must always have a plug in the study centre! Well, past tense now I suppose 😦

Anyway, this post is fuelled by my most recent ASDKHJFFSSDLCF with my laptop thing (for want of a better word). Whilst studying psychology today, I decided I was getting a little bit annoyed with the persistent bubble popping up every minute telling me ‘ACER C is full. Please clear files.’ (or something like that but in more computery speak). So, off I click, let’s uninstall some crap I don’t need anymore (like IB SL Question Bank!) But oh wait, it won’t let me uninstall my LARGE programmes. It needs space to do that. What the hell? I need to clear space to be able to clear space?!! How does this work?????? I got frustrated, then thought OK, let’s be sensible – I’ll remove some of those stupid pointless updates for Microsoft Works (or something). They’re smaller in size, so that’ll mean they won’t need space cleared in order for them to be cleared. Anyway, all good for two 40KB things. Get onto the third – screen freezes. WTFHOMOASDFHJKLWHYWOULDYOUDOTHIIIIIIS????? Ctrl-Alt-Del…here we go again…restart (this has been my so far fool-proof laptop cure). Opening screen – everything’s magnified? Uh, what? I fiddle around, try to change the resolution – nothing. Restart about 5 more times but it appears my cause is hopeless. My three-year old computer has decided to recreate itself with some stupid zoomed-in screen – things don’t fit any more and everything’s fuzzy. WHHHHYYYYYYYYY?

Maybe I’m a clueless techno-idiot. But this is just stupid. I want NEED a MacBook in some shape or form NOW. Stuff waiting for uni.

Un chanson to make me feel better? 😀 (which takes a year to load on this machine, so I can’t actually listen to it myself…)

EDIT: It won’t work. Go listen to it for yourself if you will – Safety Net by Heretics. It’s good, unlike this post. I apologise 😦

Oh, and PS. my laptop is also lacking in its ‘G’ key. I guess it gives it some character?


So, summer.

I was excited. I was excited, that is, until Mum let me into ‘The Family’s BIG Plan of Action’. I did wonder when they were finally going to get round to telling me their secrets.

As it happens, Dad starts renting a house up North as of next week. This house here is supposed to be sold by December 3rd for everyone else to move up there, but if it’s not apparently we’re moving anyway and this place is getting rented. So, that’s that. And what about me? Well, I’m supposed to be happy because they’re waiting around until after my graduation dinner until they move. Yeah, wow, thanks. I mean, you’ve only complained about the price of that thing so far – huge favour you’re doing by gracing me with your presence. Not. And then, I’m supposed to move all of my things to the ‘North house’ for that to be my ‘base’, so that then I’m free to ‘do what I want’ for the summer. Perfect, right? Yes, until I find out that I get absolutely zero money from my parents for ‘doing what I want’. So it’s more like, ‘you can do what you want with the money that you have’, which, let’s face it, is not a lot. So that means getting a job – which I don’t mind – but I need to see you so I can’t just live up North and work the whole holidays. I need to be closer to you, I mean, that’s the whole bloody reason I was so excited! But yeah, whatever, I guess we’ll see how it all pans out…

All I want is a bit of a summer with you – is that really too much to ask?


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