Without going into the details, today, I confirmed my self-belief that when I’m bored, I’m stupid. Stupid as in doing things without thinking of the long-term consequences which could eventuate if the stupid thing was to be carried out over a long period of time. Just fucking mindless stupid. Actions without thoughts stupid. That kinda stupid.
But whatever. My life is boring. At the moment. Boring to me isn’t, perhaps, what boring is to most people. Boring to me is spending (I just fully broke the ‘g’ key on this broken old laptop…) too much time with myself. I like my own company if I’m doing constructive things – like making something, or blogging, or reading – but the rest of the time, not so much. Today was particularly bad. Boredom led me to talk to the wrong people. I spoke to some good people today, sure! Some guys from home I hadn’t chatted to in a while. But there are others, of course. Others with history which you know you don’t talk to for a reason but then, fucking boredom, it leads you to think it might be fun or something. To unearth buried-for-a-reason history. Well no, it isn’t. Maybe for a brief half-an-hour it is. Maybe it temporarily satisfies your needs. But in the long-run, so much more would be broken than could ever be fixed – your relationships with other people, as well as your own self-trust and sanity. So that’s why it’s stupid. Simple as.
If that was a bit of a ramble, I don’t apologise. I’m not tired, I’m not confused, I’m not going insane. I’m fine. I just happen to be stuck up here (North) for another entire 8 days. Christmas is in 3 days. I wish I got excited, but I just can’t any more. I asked my 12-nearly-13-year-old brother if he was excited today. He said he was, but not with the same lustre as kids his age should. Family arguments + nothing to do because of new house = sad people + everyone taking everything that’s wrong with their personal lives out on someone, anyone, else. This is how much fun I’m having.
I treated my down-buzz today with a lie-in to postpone having to face the day, along with watching Alex Day’s live set (shut up Haters) and, of course, talking to you (sorry I wasn’t very chirpy). More than anything, I miss you like hell. It’s been 3 days, and it’s another 8 til I see you. We’ll get through it somehow – exactly how, I don’t know – but I do know that you’re gonna get the biggest bear hug in the world when I get off that bus next Wednesday. Forgive me, but I love you 🙂
And sorry again, but I have to… When you’re not here to talk to, his face makes me smile 😀 That’s all.