Freedom is boring.

This post is going to be a bit back-to-front. I’ve been trying to muster up the energy to blog for the past few days. I wanted to write about Graduation Dinner and what a wonderful weekend I had, but recent events have made me a bit…annoyed shall we say. And it seems annoyance is the main fuel for me blogging. But I will get to the good stuff towards the end – I promise.

– So, firstly, a bitch about money (or lack of). Now I’ve never considered myself as having a Pet Hate, something which always means there’s one question I have no answer for on those pointless facebook ‘notes’, but I think I may have discovered one: people who don’t work for their money. In other words, people who get fed everything on a plate. Now of course, I’ve got to be careful here. I’m aiming this at those people that just seem to have absolutely no idea of the concept of ‘work’. Those people who, will organise lunch out with friends and be handed $30 by their mother on their way out door. Those who say ‘Oh yes, we must go out to town!’ but don’t realise that although their parents might happily fork out their credit card for their child’s enjoyment, mine won’t. Mine (or more precisely my mother) will say, ‘Oh you’re going out? What about budgeting some of this money of yours.’ My response (internally, I daren’t say this out loud), ‘What about treating your daughter for once?’ But yes. This is life. I am itching to get a job after having recently (on Friday) having had my final shift at my job, but circumstances with moving house make it next to impossible. It’s alright my mother telling me every fucking day ‘You need to sort out how you’re going to have enough money for university. You can’t go spending all your money.’ My arguments are a) all my money is a gross lie; I have hardly a dollar to my name, b) the money I spend goes on essentially basic things and is done infrequently, such as petrol for my car, food for lunch, or a cheap shirt, and c) WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU HELPING OUT? Apparently turning 18 and finishing school is the point at which your parents financially disown you. (Actually, who am I kidding, I’ve been paying my own way and getting employed since I started at Kristin, which is since I was 16.) Bitches.

– Secondly, moving house. I started packing today. My room feels and looks empty. Today, as I was tearing old posters and photos from the walls I realised that this room is probably the last whose walls will display those teenage posters and memories. It suddenly hit me, how much things are physically changing, and how the next permanent ‘home’ of mine will (hopefully) be at College House in Christchurch. Of course I’ll take as many of my memories (in photographical form) with me as I can, but a lot are going to be lost. Today I also made a sort of unconscious decision to file away my memories of Wales in some reminiscent drawer at the very back of my mind. As I removed those photos of my farewell dinner with my friends before The Move to New Zealand and some of those from many music courses gone by, I realised that the last time I spoke to the large majority of those people was when I was in the same time-zone as them. It’s sad how time changes things, time and distance, but I’ve decided I’m moving on from that.

– And speaking of moving on, I’m finally onto the good stuff – Graduation Dinner. I’ll admit, I was somewhat apprehensive about the night – on one hand because of the prospect of performing in front of the whole year plus parents, but also because some internal feeling told me that this was going to be one hell of an emotional night. Well the performance nerves weren’t going anywhere fast, and despite me believing I’d never be able to play violin in tune and in time after alcohol, I couldn’t survive 3 hours with jitters and water. But, alcohol or not, it went amazingly. Standing up there with you guys (you know who you are) gave me such a feeling of belonging that I think is the strongest I’ve ever felt among a group of friends. And it’s not only the actual performance, but also the knowledge that we’d put so much into it in such a short space of time. It was something that needed to be done, and I’m so glad that you all got to do it and I got to be a part of it (and, of course, that it was such a success). In regard to the emotional side of things, I think it’s yet to sink in. I kept repeating over and over in my head, ‘This is the last time you’re going to see some of these guys’, and I thought that that alone would be enough to fuel the water-works. But it’s as though I don’t want to believe it, similar to the last day of school. It has happened too fast, and it was all to perfect to end this soon.

So there you have it. Another beast of an update. I’ll honestly try to post more often, especially when I’m stranded Up North. But I am struggling to find motivation, almost as some sort of combination of these three points above. But, for the sake of my own sanity and trying to make sense of things, I’ll try not to be a stranger to you as long as you promise the same to me.

PS. I love you so much ❤

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