How is this real?

‘this’ refers to everything. Life right now. It’s bizarre, surreal, unbelievable, I can’t understand it. Everything is happening so fast and I feel like I’m constantly playing a game of chase – trying to catch up with reality from dithering in my thoughts and the places I’d rather be.

There’s so much I want to say in this post but I can’t. I always find it so hard to express things which are really close to my heart. I know I try, and sometimes maybe I succeed, but I don’t feel like being overly expressive about everything at the moment, so consequently this post will probably be ambiguous as fuck and be pointless to those reading it. But it doesn’t matter, I need to sort out my head.

– P2 today. Reality hit me hard, as I think it did for others too. We’re only human – why should we feel compelled to put on this façade of ‘doing OK’ and ‘coping’? I hate how we feel like sometimes we have to apologise for letting our feelings show. So often is it that it feels like the only thing you want to do is curl up into a ball and cry your goddam eyes out. So do it. You’re understood by more people than you may think.

– This may sound selfish, but all this is making me think of you and me and us. I couldn’t imagine life without you and I don’t want to, but stupid summer fucking plans from my fucking family are making things sound difficult. And I don’t know how I’d survive an Auckland/ChCh relationship. I hate thinking about that possibility, but I can’t ignore that it exists.

– These past few weeks have been full of ‘last’ things, but this week in particular. Last week of school ever. I can’t quite comprehend it all – no more 5-day-week routine, no more rules, less guidance, and inevitably the loss of the company of day-to-day people which we so easily take for granted. It’s the end of so much and, although I’ve only been here for 2 years, it feels like a lifetime – in the good sense that it is here that I’ve met the best people in my life and made the best memories. And it is here that I will never forget (with the help of our amazing Leavers’ Book of course. We honestly are the absolute best year-group in school 🙂 )

That’s kinda all. It seems like so much less when it’s written down, but I guess that shows how heavy things sometimes seem when you just carry them around in your head and don’t let them out.

And this is my current, beautiful music obsession:

I’m so glad you’re here.

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