Father’s Day and thoughts.

So yeah, you may think this is a bit of a poor effort on my behalf, but it kinda serves me right for leaving it until 9:30 this morning to bother looking for an affordable and appropriate Father’s Day card:

(plus the dog’s hugely cute so what the hell 😛 )

However, this amount of effort was far greater than anyone else in the family. Despite my reminders throughout the week to my brother and sister (partly to consciously remind myself, I’ll admit), neither of them ‘remembered’ (I read it as ‘could be bothered’) to get Dad anything. So there’s me, frantically driving home on Sunday morning, counting out my change and finding the most easily editable card, whilst the rest of the family treat it like a normal bloody day. Yes, essentially it is, but if Mum’s allowed to make such a huge unnecessary fuss about my choice of card on Mother’s Day, why isn’t Dad allowed the same? Because he’s too nice, that’s why. (either that or memory loss really is getting to him… Hahaha, I’m joking 🙂 )

This kinda brings me on to what I was thinking about last night whilst still semi-conscious at about 3am. World-views, paradigms, perceptions, points-of-view…whatever you want to call it. Essentially, the way we see our lives. Different people in your life view your life differently. In my life, I see three main contrasting perceptions of my life: that of you and close friends, that of parents, and that of siblings.

Your perception of my life. Well, it’s more ‘our’ life. That’s how I see it, together right? Everything that you said last night (that only we need to know) shows me that you agree with the whole ‘us’ idea and fundamentally, I’d be the happiest person in the universe if that could be the beginning, middle and end of my life story – us. And close friends well, they get that too. I think it’s a generation thing – like those people who are actually living a similar life to us (school, sleep, an attempted social life) can understand that two people can want each other enough to only ever need each other. Anyway, this is the perception of my life which is my favourite. It’s the ideal one, the way things should be and hopefully will be.

But then there’s the parents, forever the ‘reality’ principle (although I swear most of the time it’s based more on pessimism). They don’t really get ‘us’. It’s as though they’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to be young and have your life ahead of you. They’re living with so little in front of them wherever they currently are in their lives. Today was a prime example of their obvious opinion on my life, and my brother’s and sister’s as well. Mum and Dad were talking this morning about the possibility of renting a property over the next couple of months (yes, that’s my entire final IB exam period), whilst they let new people move into our house and Mum and Dad look for properties up North. I pipe up, just saying that I understand where they’re coming from, but to state the blatantly obvious…exams, moving house, studying? If you want me to have a chance of passing these exams it’s not really the best of ideas. Dad kinda agrees: ‘It’s true, the kids do have things on and a stable home is the least we can give them.’ Then, of course, Mum’s inevitable selfish retort: ‘My parents divorced in the middle of my final exams! I never had stability, why should they?’ See what I mean? Dad: ‘You can’t project the sufferings of your childhood on to your own kids though. How is that fair?’ Mum: ‘Well  I’m the one with the least stability at the moment so it seems like nothing’s fair, is it?’ So uh, yeah. Stability or not, the lack of empathy fucking hurts like shit.
(PS. the whole renting property isn’t happening as it turns out, but the fact that those words were still said matters.)

Finally, siblings. Not everyone has this third perspective on their lives, but I do. At the end of the day, as the oldest sibling, I’m rarely ever at home as it is, so when the time comes to leave home (ASAP please), yes I’ll see my siblings, but they won’t be a major part of my life. At the moment all they really are is an extension of my parents. They don’t really know enough of the world to take a completely original stance, so whenever they voice their point-of-view it’s always a recertification of what I’ve already been told. Having said that, my younger brother can be given more credit. He’s sensitive to life at home – he hates it when there’s an argument (stupidly often) and seems to act as the peacemaker, except he’s not listened to because of the fact he’s the youngest and his thoughts are deemed ‘unimportant’. I feel sorry for him. There’s things that he does which I completely remember myself doing when I was younger, like when Mum shouts at him for not eating his dinner or holding his cutlery wrong and he tries to hold back the tears but can’t. I remember doing exactly the same – being so embarrassed by the fact that you’d let ‘her’ make you cry, but at the same time feeling your brain whirring with the absolute unfairness of it all and how narrow their mental capacity is. Siblings are weird – sometimes they get you, sometimes they don’t. But nonetheless they have a different perception of you which is worth taking note of.

I can now decide, after over 900 words of writing (whether it made sense or not, you tell me), that really, there’s only one world that I want to live in. Maybe it’s unrealistic, perhaps it’s overly optimistic, but I don’t care. To quote from that long speech I posted earlier this week, “Everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough.” I believe this, because it’s the only way I get through. If it wasn’t for you and your constant love and support and everything you do, I would be nowhere. I love you so much.

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