So, all’s going great. Get on top of things (kinda) for the first time in my IB life – EE handed in early (despite all the procrastinating blog posts 😛 ), ecosystems write-up done successfully in one night, doing lit homework for once. All positive stuff right? I’m not forgetting my little resolution I made to myself not so long ag0 (turning – into +), but why is it, as soon as I start to feel things are going good, a big fat negative comes and fucking sticks its nose in? Negatives in the form of everything else there still is to do at school – maths portfolio, WL2 essay, CAS project (fuck those kids are little buggers), music investigation, French oral – the list goes on forever in terms of school work. But that’s not the main thing. All this stuff causes one major negative in my life, and that’s me. I think everyone kinda feels what I’m feeling to some extent. It’s those little things that really get to me, really piss me off. Like not being able to go out at weekends due to various reasons (work, money, work, work) and being at home sucks total balls (‘Stop using your work as an excuse and help around the house.’ Using work as an excuse? I fucking wish.) And there’s other things that I wanna be doing. Like fun things, bad things. I wanna be able to get completely fucking wasted and not worry about the fact I’ve emptied my account and have school the next day and work to do. And I also wanna know what’s happening next year. I know I’ve already mentioned this in my last post, but I had a little conscious nightmare today. I realised that maybe instead of doing a completely music-based course, I’m really meant to be a journalist. I mean, it’s been my ideal ‘thing’ since about year 9. I don’t want to make the wrong decision. I guess I can do both – some sort of music journalist – but grrr, there’s the whole deciding where to go and applying business. I just want it to be sorted out for me. That’s what I’m gonna miss about school most. But going back to the ‘me’ problem, you wanna know what’s worst? I’m all negativey because of you and your busy-ness. I know that that’s the most unfair thing to say, to say it’s your fault. But I’m not blaming it on you, I’m just saying that all this school work, everything that’s building up that we/you are having to do means that things aren’t the same as they were. I think it’s because of time, or the lack of it. It puts pressure on us like a storm cloud and we know that if we push the cloud a little bit too hard it’s just gonna explode right over our heads, drowning us. We’d drown together of course. We’re changing, yes. But not in the ‘breaking up’ kinda way. No, definitely not. We’re changing in the sense that other things need to become more important. Even if it’s only for a few days, or a week, or a month, they still take over. And I guess it’s OK. We’ll live. We’ll learn.
(Apologies for the lack of paragraphing and any typos; it’s late and I’m tired but I just needed to write.)